*If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.* 
Always be happy 😊🌻

Competition

🫂 GOOD BYE 🫂
Some goodbyes were said
: Giving hope that they will be back ......, but then if that is not happening then never अलविदा न कहना !!! 

Love

Depress 
I am person with good ideas and dreams.  
Recently I started to fapping continuously . I feel bad about me I can't even stop that.  I tried to be good , peace . But mind that organ  simply searching that . Am really feel bad about me . No productive . No happiness.  But it seems am addicted to that . I feels like am unfit to live . 

Depression

**On a loop**

Doing the same things on and on ~ living a peaceful life that is made chaotic inside my head.

Lost the motivation to do what I love.

What makes it worse?
When I don't have anyone to share it with.

Exhausted

im just so hurt. i dont know if i can do this anymore. the idea of death is pushing into my brain more and more... i have no one. even music doesnt help me. absolutley nothing is worth living for right now.

Suicidal Ideation

Can I become hot in 6 months ? I look like a potato right now . Depression led to this , now this is causing me depression , what a vicious cycle .

3am Thoughts

How to fit into a home that you always find yourself a misfit at? Its been a struggle since childhood. How do I make myself feel loved when all I always listen to is negatives about me

Family

Koi humse bhi karlo sahaab,
Haan vahi jise mohabbat kehte hai..
🙂

Hii, I does not know should I share this to a social platform or not , but I am so messed up that either I can completely go in depression or I take out all my inner feelings and thoughts, 
I would like to tell u it's really long and u might think it's fake as well but morever I need some suggestions and advice to make my life better

So here the story starts- I was 20 years when i left my home town for higher studies(MBA) and to fulfill my dreams to get a high profile living style. I was in a relation ship and it was really really nice that we made a perfect couple and was admired by the boy's family, the only issue I had with my guy (Let say him as S) that he was not much caring or serious about his career and his future, all his thinks is just be in present n enjoy, sometimes we fought due to this as well but he was too much understanding and he gives me freedom to live my life the way I want and same I do for him and it was 2.5 years relationship and we got intimated too many times as we share mutual thoughts in atmost things 
and we were this much open to each other that we told each other especially he that if we he or me found anyone better than us n see our future with other than any one of us can break this relation at any point by saying this or such genuine thing 

so once I left my home town for MBA, he started becoming more serious for me and really fall in love me but it was too late and due to my hectic schedule I was not giving him much time except some msgs or call once a day that too less than 2 or 5 mins

during this period in 1 semester of my MBA, like other students I too was allotted a mentor (Let say him as N) and he is young and too strategic but not so fair n bit fat but tall guy

I don't know when things started becoming close between us as I was too studious and focused n my studies so I use to stay till late evening with other students and mentor just to learn and complete my task 

and due to this we group of 20 students become friendly and so our mentor too. and we use to get 3-5 mentoring sessions in a week and we stay till late evening and use to eat n share lot of enjoyment
so it's natural whenever we eat anything especially sweet we ill become thirsty but my mentor was too much busy n focused in work that he don't leave any work untill it completed and my nature is kind of caring for all so I use to give him water before he ask or go for water cooler

due to this he felt that when I m caring this much to an unknown guy than how much I can care n love to my husband

so this stays for long and he use to call me in his cabin n teach me lot of things and subjects to make me stand different out of others

and one day finally it was 30 october our professional conversation become personal as I was going to a college trip and he was too much tensed for my security and no boy or male should be near me so he keep on asking lot of things from that day we started chatting every second we got chance and all these was known to my guy (S) as I do not have habit of hiding anything from him and as he was pretty cool so he don't mind 

but finally one day he (N) proposes me that he will like to marry me and he already know that I am in relationship but he said no hurry I just want u to consider me only once when u going to marry I will wait for u 

I thought a lot but somehwere I was stuck like he is well settled and is very smart and strategic and loves me like a hell that people started teasing me by his name, adult n mature guy whereas my guy is not so much serious about me n relationship n his career

so i taken some time and then I rejected his proposal (N) just to see his care n love like a test for him

but finally hhe was same thereafter also and I told him that yes I will come to u but I am not virgin, he said if this only problem than i don't have any issues 

and after this we got committed and went to few trips with our friends n other faculties like a official trio but whenever we use to get chance we sahre some loving moments

than after one month we went for movie out of the city n where he got romantic and ask me to touch his part but i felt uneasy n denied it
this incident hurted him a lot and he said me only one thing that U CAN GET INTIMATE TO THE GUY U WERE NOT SURE ABOUT BUT FOR ME WHO IS GOING TO BE UR HUSBAND UR LIFE , U R TREATING ME LIKE SOMEONE FORCING U'

these words hurted me a lot and but I console myself that it's natural if i be in his place than i might be felling same 

so somehow I managed to make him agree to go out for intimation
and before this he already told me that he likes a girl (Let say her as G) from his UG but couldn't get relationship n marriage as he n she was too poor but now she is just like a normal friend
I didn't said any as I m too open mind 

we got intimated and it became frequently including going out for 2-3 days just nearby cities

In the second trip, we fought too much due to some clg issues but one thing I was hiding from him that I am in touch with my ex(S) just like a friend n some issues happen in his home,

after this incident he was completely changed, started torturing me like anything like he wants to know how i got intimate with this guy(S) what position where he touch hell lot of that no one  can imagine
in this duration he went his home town n we keep on fighting for the same reason
and my exams were going on I left my exams due to pressure n frustation and failed in semester 2

when he came back he came with a story that he met with his ex- (G) and she was asking him to marry as they were waiting for the right time for 12 years 

so he asked me what should I do and he cannot marry me if he want than he have to leave everyone n everything n be abscond from the entire known people including parents family and all, 
Before this he asked me to go away but I always consider my mumma as she suffered a lot and I want to give her something from my side 

and after this I was completely blank, I said him to n marry her n leave me than he said he cannot leave me whereas we cannot leave our families 

so he just skipped all these marriage n other family issues for a year and keep trying for making our relationship and my placement also started already I failed in sem-2 
but during this period also we keep on fighting sometimes reason was genuine sometimes it was for silly like why I am talking to boys why i am holding a girl hand  as he is too too too much sensitive and short tempered

I know that he is in touch with his ex(G) but as professional terms as they use to write research papers together 

and our fight keep on continuing but than also we use to find some good n happy moments n we went to trips multiple times...

I got job in one company far away from him but there was some issues and I left it and before leaving my college we mutually agreed that we will drop our relationship as it's not working and will move on 

all happen same way and I moved back to my home town with no job no dreams fulfill 
due all these pressure and I got fracture in my foot I texted him very rudly like he is responsible and all shit things I said to him

after 1 month of when I in my home town one night
he suddenly texted me by asking my location  n shared it the moment as I was missing him n other feelings 
he was just outside my home
i went to see him but due to my society restrictions i didn't sat in his car n saw him from outside people stared coming near I went than i felt so bad and decided to go with him
near my home town another city we went n stayed as living for 40 days 
within this 40 days we fought multiple times and i saw his worst face as he beated me with his shoes put my head on wall 
and my face was spoiled n swellon 
I cannot go back with this face as i said my family i m going in search of job n few of my friends stayed with me

somehow we managed to sort all but we still use to fight 
he asked me to come back to my clg city as it is a industry hub n lot of job opportunities and he is feeling guily coz of him i didn't got job n failed in my dreams
seeing my family problem i came back with him
i got job too in a MNC
and he promised me he will give me whatever I will ask him if i cracked that particular company and I did it

when I asked him to marry me - he was completely blank and didn't answered me any 

i became too much upset as i expected he will say yes n will be too happy coz he has cried almost every day whenever we use to fight or i m not in talking due to all these even he did worst to me I accepted him n taken step from my side 

but after 1 week he informed me that he is going to get engage in 2 weeeks to his ex- (G) as he is getting too much family n relative problems due to his age and his parents ran away from his home coz he said not to marry

and marriage is after 5 months 

i am completely done in all terms 

i came with him by expecting he will marry me as he committed me and coz of him , coz of his wish i left each n everything whatever i gained in my entire life like friends as he don't like my friends coz we talk openly about sex n share all things , my career even to be with him I left my mother 

now he is saying I cannot do anything as of now all decision is in your hand but i cannot be without ur updates n ur love

and most hurting thing i found the chat of him n his fiance(G)  with whom till last 1 week he was saying it's just professional 
and i found the chat of last 6 month that they r in gf-bf relationship 

I cannot believe that he could do this n the major problem is whatever i feel for him and the way he made me 
i m trying hard to recover my self but i m failing 

and i want him to the core 
he is expecting me to be same like how i m with him even he got married n all

and he is asking me to wait for him for 10-15 years once he will complete all his responsibilities he will come back n we will marry n live our life 

i can't get how he can think like this 

i m not ready to be with him once he got engage n married as I am not a SLUT 

but i m ready to wait for him as my feeling r my problems i cannot become what i was and he is always comparing my past relationship with his this situation

suggest me what to do and how could I control myself from not giving what he asked for 
coz i know one thing that i cannot be without seeing him or getting his updates 

Please suggest


Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts