Iam going for a meetup with my schoolmates tomorrow. I have improved and changed alot from those days . But I am still anxious about meeting them!!

Anxiety

Realising you are in love with the concept of what could have been…. Bummer….

3am Thoughts

I can’t even share what I want to share. 

I'm thinking of taking a semester break because of my mental health. I'm currently finishing my 5th semester in B.tech CSE. Is it the right decision?

College

The older I get, the more I realize how messed up we all are. The amount of trauma we have to live through is astonishing that I’m surprised we still have the will to continue. But the human mind will always want to survive, regardless the situation. Still, it’s exhausting. It’s even more so when you have anxiety that basically controls your life. I hate overthinking everything. I hate how selfish some could be. I just want to find that much needed peace. 

Confusion

did a mistake.. i loved someone and gave my heart at a young age around 15 
I didn't know that it could be an infactuation 
He is my relative 9years elder to me 
I know him since my childhood yet I fell in love in my teenage... And I proposed him when I was 16 ( don't judge me plz I wasn't that matured enough to think before doing something) his answer wasn't clear it was neither a yes nor a no 
He said he would like to marry someone whom his mother suggests and said he don't want to take a desicion but he said he liked me but not love and he also asked to wait 
He was like let's hope for the best but don't expect I didn't felt that It was a rejection 
And continued to love half year passed he was close enough used to text everyday
I went bad on my studies then later I got to know he is committed to girl since he was a teen when I directly asked him about it he said that relation was broken which was like they were still actually in a relation but I blindly trusted him that he wasn't mingled
I felt sorry when I came to know that his first love left him ( I didn't know the truth then)
Even when I proposed him he was in a relation but still asked me to wait and this was the reason I got angry for few hours later I realised that ppl do commit mistakes in love so I didn't give a shit abt it and I promised that I would stay with him 
He was a bit shocked as I agreed him 
We continued to be the same and he started feeling comfortable with me 
After 3 months again I got to know that he was still in that relation 
And I decided not to love him anymore 
I dont say he is wrong. He wanted to save the relation with both of us ( his love and me)
But I felt that it can be betray for both of us and decided to forget abt it which it took a long period of time 
I started to concentrate on my studies again they were boards but still I used to stalk him in social media
At that time I saw him posting breakup quotes /love failure quotes and was tensed unknowingly I made an attempt to know abt it and called him
He said me everything abt his love 
He was sad as he loved her for abt 8 years and finally she left him 
I didn't feel like questioning anything abt his lies to me as he was already drowned in sadness and I helped him to cope up with that untill he became normal and that communication continued till date and am 18 now 
Even when you ask him now he will say he doesn't love me but still shows lots of concern which my frnds say its fake I don't know his feelings, he says he gives me priority, he says that he is not interested for marriage but will say he is ready to marry every thing seems so confusing 
Out of love I say he is good one 
Out of hatered my frnds says he is a liar 
He is open minded and started sexting ...even I was okay with it as I loved him to the hell infact I was happy that he was interested to be open with me . But at some point I felt it was wrong because he didn't love me 
Sexting with partner Is okay but not with some one whom you don't love 
It's lust and I don't want it 
But at weaktimes I myself forget my decision and go blind in love 
People say he is using me but I don't feel it...his concern, his gratitude in words don't make me feel that way 
Sometimes I feel that he doesn't value me 
Sometimes I feel he shows intrst in me 
Sometimes he says he won't put an effort for making my love successful
Sometimes he says I want me in his life 
Sometimes he says enjoy present 
Sometimes he says I am okay without you
He said " I am ready to marry you if mom accepts you and whole family is okay with it but I won't at all put my head during the process you convince them everything must be your effort" .As he is relative and 9 years elder to me there are less chances for marriage and started to mentally prepare for it but physically he is becoming close 
I don't know what to do
Is it yes or no?
I am gng in a wrong path?
Will I be happy with that mentality?
Is his affection right one or fake?
Is he using me?
Am I gng blind ?
Shall I follow my frnds advice as they know me and my mentality very well?
Should I try to unlove him?

One Sided Love

Hi I'm Smit , I am feeling great , if someone really feel low plz talk to me share your pain with me , I might help you out to get over your problems , j my name meaning is SMILE 😸, I might help you to smile.

Other

I cant put into words how I feel, I feel so sad and feel like I have to force my self to be happy. I have these random attacks of like sadness and just makes me shut down my emotions and I wanna be put into my room and just lay there and cry. I don't have any more motivation anymore, wether its talking, eating and even checking my phone. I hate this feeling 

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