I was in a very bad mentally, verbally and emotionally abusive, manipulative relationship. I admit even I was in a pretty bad place too and I stayed with her trying to prove to everyone that I’m a good guy, I’m loyal, that I too deserve to have someone. It was pretty bad and I would wake up everyday wishing I were dead. I had no friends in college. I am pretty thin and I behave completely in an unacceptable manner like I just do whatever I like to and this was never liked by anyone and didn’t bother me much. I hated myself for everything I was not, cus this girl would wouldn’t even hesitate to look at someone attractive and just tell that if that guy asks her out she would leave me and go. I didn’t have friends so to run away from all this I would like literally give my life to any new person i would meet. I used to run away everywhere just to get away from her and she would cry so much just to make me look like a bad guy in front of everyone and I would feel like I deserved this and I would hurt myself more by cutting myself cus I’d make her cry, I would run off to god knows where places. Since I never knew what it was like to having a friend, I was made to believe that the only way that I’d make a friend is by putting myself through bad things for them. I’ve gotten beaten up, stamped on, completely fucked up, just so that I can have a friend. That relationship of mine ended after more than a year full of abuse, lies, manipulation, self hatred cutting myself, hurting myself. One day this One guy,whom I thought of as my friend, once called me and told he hadn’t eaten anything and that he had run away from his house so I took my food and gave it to him to eat and I myself didn’t eat anything the entire day n I was with him he just told he needed my phone to make a call and took my phone n asked me to wait n just took off along with my phone I was sitting in a main road full of vehicles crying and not one person around me asked what’s wrong. I went to help a guy who was hungry and who I thought was my friend and I had no money too and I was left there without food, phone, no college bag and no money I just walked off from there. This is just a part of what has happened. Through anything, not one person would come and ask me how I was even though they’d seen me suffer, I didn’t feel safe around even one person to even tell them what was happening. So after that relationship ended, I joined degree and I’d made a group of friends, we were 8 in total I guess and it was fun. But then suddenly one guy just said to remove me from their group and guess what ? I was removed, without any hesitation. I was just an 18 year old kid when this happened. I took up drinking, getting high, popping tablets from then. It was either get drunk too much till I can stand, get high too much or pop a sleeping tablet and I would search for anything and everything just so that I don’t ever have to feek anything like that again. Then I got distant from everything and everyone. I just felt that alcohol and drugs are better than any human being that I’ve met all my life. But then the last 2 years I’ve been drinking getting high and everything at once everyday. So o thought I’d stop it and been trying very hard from the last 2 months and I was sober for 5 days last week but then yesterday and day before yesterday I got high drank and it just feels like I just wanna be taken away from this cruel world. Everyday fucking feels like some sort of battle and I’m surviving everyday I don’t even know what for. But since 6 years, or more than that, I wake up wishing for a better day and work hard but it all feels so hopeless. I don’t have no place in this cruel world. The cuts on my body are too many are too deep to go away. I can’t seem to look at anything in this world worth liking. I’m too much of a coward to kill myself. I’m not waiting for death to take me away. As a kid I thought I’d be something by now, but here I am a lonely addict just trying my way to break free.
Anybody who reads this, thank you.
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