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Anonymous

I was in a very bad mentally, verbally and emotionally abusive, manipulative relationship. I admit even I was in a pretty bad place too and I stayed with her trying to prove to everyone that I’m a good guy, I’m loyal, that I too deserve to have someone. It was pretty bad and I would wake up everyday wishing I were dead. I had no friends in college. I am pretty thin and I behave completely in an unacceptable manner like I just do whatever I like to and this was never liked by anyone and didn’t bother me much. I hated myself for everything I was not, cus this girl would wouldn’t even hesitate to look at someone attractive and just tell that if that guy asks her out she would leave me and go. I didn’t have friends so to run away from all this I would like literally give my life to any new person i would meet. I used to run away everywhere just to get away from her and she would cry so much just to make me look like a bad guy in front of everyone and I would feel like I deserved this and I would hurt myself more by cutting myself cus I’d make her cry, I would run off to god knows where places. Since I never knew what it was like to having a friend, I was made to believe that the only way that I’d make a friend is by putting myself through bad things for them. I’ve gotten beaten up, stamped on, completely fucked up, just so that I can have a friend. That relationship of mine ended after more than a year full of abuse, lies, manipulation, self hatred cutting myself, hurting myself. One day this One guy,whom I thought of as my friend, once called me and told he hadn’t eaten anything and that he had run away from his house so I took my food and gave it to him to eat and I myself didn’t eat anything the entire day n I was with him he just told he needed my phone to make a call and took my phone n asked me to wait n just took off along with my phone I was sitting in a main road full of vehicles crying and not one person around me asked what’s wrong. I went to help a guy who was hungry and who I thought was my friend and I had no money too and I was left there without food, phone, no college bag and no money I just walked off from there. This is just a part of what has happened. Through anything, not one person would come and ask me how I was even though they’d seen me suffer, I didn’t feel safe around even one person to even tell them what was happening. So after that relationship ended, I joined degree and I’d made a group of friends, we were 8 in total I guess and it was fun. But then suddenly one guy just said to remove me from their group and guess what ? I was removed, without any hesitation. I was just an 18 year old kid when this happened. I took up drinking, getting high, popping tablets from then. It was either get drunk too much till I can stand, get high too much or pop a sleeping tablet and I would search for anything and everything just so that I don’t ever have to feek anything like that again. Then I got distant from everything and everyone. I just felt that alcohol and drugs are better than any human being that I’ve met all my life. But then the last 2 years I’ve been drinking getting high and everything at once everyday. So o thought I’d stop it and been trying very hard from the last 2 months and I was sober for 5 days last week but then yesterday and day before yesterday I got high drank and it just feels like I just wanna be taken away from this cruel world. Everyday fucking feels like some sort of battle and I’m surviving everyday I don’t even know what for. But since 6 years, or more than that, I wake up wishing for a better day and work hard but it all feels so hopeless. I don’t have no place in this cruel world. The cuts on my body are too many are too deep to go away. I can’t seem to look at anything in this world worth liking. I’m too much of a coward to kill myself. I’m not waiting for death to take me away. As a kid I thought I’d be something by now, but here I am a lonely addict just trying my way to break free.

Anybody who reads this, thank you.

2 Comments
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Damnn bro, you’ve been through some serious shit.
Okay, so what I just read kinda told me that you care about other people a lot. I mean, you’re there for them all the time but no one is there for you. That’s how the world is bro. No one gives a fuck to anyone. And you should not too. Stop being available all the time. Let them know that you’re not some dumb idiot whose advantage can be taken of. Keep yourself busy with productive work. And stop thinking about everyone. There is no harm in being a little bit selfish sometimes.
And the girl you dated was such a bitch. She literally does not deserve anyone.
Ffs, STOP DRINKING!
You’re ruining yourself only. Just focus on your goals, career, and your health.
Stay away from a negative environment. If you’re not respected somewhere then there is no point to be there. Just fuck it! Make new friends, do something that you’re afraid of. It will build your confidence and self-esteem.
Hope it helps :)

Anonymous

Yeah I know the world’s fucked up but I wanted to make a difference by being different by giving a fuck about someone. Cus I know what it’s like to be completely lonely and worthless and helpless I just wanna make sure that when I’m around, nobody around feels that way. I am selfish now. Drinking and getting high are the only things that have helped me cope with everything. Through everything I should’ve been kind to me, but I was more destructive towards myself than anything else. Thanks for your words. I might try doing something new.