Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

I was a happy child for years. My father was in Air Force and he was not around much. After returning from there my mom and him used to fight a lot. First I always cried helplessly. When I became a teenager i too started shouting. I was just like my father. My anger became uncontrollable often. So they used to say I’m the reason for all the problems. I wished to being dead at the age of 14 onwards. Eventhough I made tried to be friends with many people I often felt alone. I was a overweight child my whole life. During school time everybody make fun of me. One day a class full of boys mocked me. Think about it . What will be going in the mind of a 16 yr old girl. Each day I cried myself to sleep. I always hated myself. Even though I liked a boy and he eventhough he proposed me I could not accept it because he was lean and I was fat. I was dying inside. I don’t know why eventhough I was around many people I often feel alone. But I understood from my self that I desperately needed someone to love.
What I’m about to say maybe absurd to many. I started chatting online. And made many friends whom don’t judge me by my looks. Because I was not visible to them.
I don’t know how I started to like a guy through fb. We always talked during night. I was afraid of my parents. So I call him only after they slept at night. I don’t know how I thought I was in love. He asked me do I love him. And if not there are many girls in line for him . At the fear of losing him I said yes. But then I thought why should I keep him here if there are many beautiful girls in queue for him. I called him and said you can move on. and there ended that.
After and year or so I met someone else too. I don’t know why but I always wanted someone to love me. To care for me. I again started to like him. In this case to we started talking. He said he wanted to meet me. But I was not ready. How could I with this image. He became angry and we cut off for days. After that one day he called me. He said we could be friends anyway because we were of different religion. Even though i was starting to fall in love with him I said we could be friends. and I was fine being a friend. I became happy that day. But after that there were no messages for weeks. Eventhough I called him he didn’t pick up. And one day he picked up. He told me he had an accident. And I was shattered and crying. I asked him if he was ok. He said he had minor injuries. He said we could not talk further than this. I asked why. He told me I was a bad luck to him. He sometimes tell me when we used to talk one way or another but I always avoided it. But now he told me that At the first time talking to you always bad things happen in his life. His life is good without me. He never called me since then.
I broke my heart twice. That too for the people who actually don’t cared about me. I always love the people eventhough they are good or bad. Maybe I don’t know why because I needed people in my life who will support me.
I have friends. Only few of them know this.
Now during this 2 period i was in lots of pain. Not only mentally but physically too. During the first case I had headache for months. Even doctors don’t know what exactly it was. After that I had neck pain. I was always in pain and. always used to wear collar. Few years later I have diagnosed with Thyroid- Hypothyroidism.
Still my back hurts if I still sit too long.
I’m a CA student. Like my worst choices in life that too i think is getting good out of me. I can’t take it anymore. I don’t know what to do with my life. This CA has gotten worst in me. I don’t know what to do if I quit doing CA. Everyone is telling me to think straight and your heart will give you your answers. But this much going in my mind what can I do.
I over eat all the time. Even though I start some diets i can’t continue. I started to go to gym. but got cancelled due to Covid 19.
I’m in physical pain . mental stress. I don’t know what to do. Career wise. Its killing me. I am starting to collapse. My mood swings are at peek. I cry at little things. I sometimes shout at my mother. I am scared. I wanted to end my life worthless life.I wanted to scream. Someone is screaming inside my heart to get out.
Nowadays i always sleep late around 3 or 4. Wake up at 10 or 11. Eat and watch Tv or use phone all the time to get distracted. I always want to help my mom. But I’m tired. Now I use phone at night up to that time when my eyes are closed so that I don’t want to think about it. I don’t talk to anyone. I chat sometime with my best friends. No calls. I want to be alone. My mom is worried now. I don’t talk to my father because we had a huge fight months before. And I even told him that he is not my father anymore. I don’t know how can I apologize to him. Now that I don’t talk to him there is no fights going on in the house. But I’m broken inside.
They provide me everything. They haven’t said no to anything in my life. They let me study whatever I want. But why did I turned to be a failure. I can’t make a choice . Its killing me inside. I’m not taking my thyroid medicine now. Its paining like hell .
One day I even told my mom about this career thing and cried. Then only she knew I had this much pressure. I even told her I had panic attack one day at night and I was looking at my hands and crying and thinking about suicide. I called a friend immediately and he calmed me down.
She is scared now.
She took me to a counsellor. But he takes counciling in front of my mother. So I can’t tell him anything about how I feel in past. I only told him about career thing.
But as I only heard it. I didn’t listen it. Nowadays im like that. I only listen things.
I think I need to consult a psychologist.
I don’t know if anyone can help me.
I need help.
Otherwise I don’t know what I will do.
It’s only because of my mother I’m alive.
I don’t know when this pain will end finally and I can be happy. I’m 22 now turning 23 this month.
But still in a question mark about life.
Hoping it gets better.