Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

i want to feel like a person again I feel like a doll or air i hate that i cant feel anything anymore there so many reasons that I could feel like this is it trama in the past is it that I become so lonely is it cause I just eat to forget Idk what it is but i want to cry i want to fall in love i want to be happy with my art i want to be normal my life has been hell seen i was born first my dad left me at first i didn’t care but he has said some stuff and he has his own family with kids that he raised and stuff it not like its only been me and my mom i have a older brother but i feel like i raised myself or the internet did when i was 7 i was raped the first time it happen i didn’t know what was happening but it hurt i told him no he said he tell my mom that i told him i wanted to have sex with him i was 7 it kept happening till i was 10 it stopped i was so confused what happened to me then saw it was rape i got bullied a lot through out my whole life for being fat and weird i didn’t have much friends with that too i was in some friend groups here and there but they all left me with hate and regrate then after all that death kept coming into my head i always thought of it but it came into mind more i didn’t want to tell anyone but i needed help because i was crying everyday hating everything and myself more i thought about the school conluser all she did is tell me is my fault my life is the way it is that i need to change i was just 10 years old i hated myself after that and was filled with hate i wanted to die i wanted to hurt everyone and make them feel like me but i just became a toxic sefish asshole i was fucked up to the one i loved and didn’t care cause they didn’t leave but they slowly all left after covid hit so it was me but i had this friend lets call her a she was everything to me i loved her a lot… like a lot that i started falling for her and found out that i liked girls but she was just as toxic as me she was worse you can say but that’s her story one day we were going to the beach she said i lost my v card i was shocked cause she just turned 13 i asked who it was and it was a 18 year old dude that lived where we lived she i told her it was bad bad but she fell in love with him and nothing stopped her it hurt me that a person that was keeping me ok hurt me like that i trusted but after that we stopped talking and i went into a deep depression i couldn’t do anything it was the worse thing i was failing classes and everyone hated me and i got closer with him he understood me made me happy you can say i loved everything about him he was the one but he used me for his own pressure and i fucking fell for it i stayed so long i was so dumb it hurt me so much to leave him i kept coming back but i left him last month so yay i guess someone told me that he was the boy i fell in love with and i think it might be true but idk what love is so yeah i got a bit better so you know i was on happy pills and talking to someone but i stopped talking my happy pills cause they made me feel numb and i haven’t talked to my therapist in a month so i been on my own i feel more numb and i think I’m binge eating it doesn’t feel go but i keep doing it everything is coming back but the only thing this time I’m a no feeling bitch and fatter i just want to be normal i want to go to the art school the i been wishing on but if i feel like this any longer i might not see oct and the funny part that I’m just 14 years old this has been my whole life i feel like i was born to die painful and slowly and i think I’m at the end