I think I will cut again, It been some time since I last did so but I feel so stressed and irritated, I can´t deal with this pressure. I want to feel something other than stress right now, I keep tugging on my hair so I can feel the pain but it is not enough.
what hasp happened you can talk to me about it
It´s very stupid because I randomly get stressed and there just isn´t a reason for it, it just happens. But it is also my siblings, lately, they have been talking and spending way too much time with me and they don´t leave me alone. They are very annoying too and never listen when I tell them to leave me alone, and when I play with them with the video games they start yelling and blaming each other bc they ¨died in a game¨ and that irritates me because they never shut up.
I get that they are only 9 and 10 but I need my time alone to recharge myself, where I can just lay down and relax. But when I start to think things are getting better my other sister the older one is always nagging me about my grades. I know how important grades are but not even one minute passes and she starts nagging again, she is always putting pressure on me and it is so overwhelming to the point I want to cry from frustration. That stupid phrase she always uses is so annoying I already know it by memory, ¨When I was in your grade I took AP class, so you should pass all your classes with A´s, I bet your classes aren´t even hard you are just lazy¨. She makes me feel dumb and useless.
My mom and dad are like that too :)…just because I spend all day in my room they think I don´t do hw and when they do call me my mom asks what I am doing, which I respond with ¨Im doing hw¨ she usually doesn´t believe and tells me ¨Yeah right you doing hw, I done´t think so help me here in the kitchen¨ and that is how it goes with mom.
With dad, when he comes from work and checks on me and I’m on my phone bc I don´t like doing hw at night, he says ¨Stop being on your phone and do hw¨ I have to tell him I do hw early but like my mom and sister they think I am being lazy and don´t do anything during the day, YAY :)
Even I hide when I use my phone because I don´t want my dad to say I am lazy and don´t do anything, it honestly hurts.
Since that usually pisses me off it just frustrates me more into cutting or over eating. But it´s okay because my bed is my comfort, my pillow holds my tear when I break down and my blankets keep me warm and make me feel loved which Is silly.
what triggers me more into cutting or overeating is my parents and older sister, my parents because they consider me fat, and although I do exercise and eat something they jokingly say ¨and the diet¨ and there was one time when I did respond with ¨It doesn´t matter¨ and they said are you really happy looking like that…ouch :))
so I skip eating with them as much as possible.
And with the sister, don´t even get me started with that fucking crazy toxic bitch :´)
I just try to eat two meals a day, I either skip breakfast or lunch just so I can eat dinner, if I am feeling very down I can´t control myself but to overeat, and do I feel disgusting after…well of cause why wouldn´t I feel that way.
You know I am actually thinking of going to a therapist at 18 because I don´t want my parents to know their daughter is depressed, and has other issues. I´m 15 so only 3 years left, lets hope I don´t do something stupid before then.
And damn I wrote a whole fucking essay lol my nad for making it this hella long.
Thank you for listening, I appreciate it <3
that’s a lot of things happening to you at 15 just be calm for some years and everything will be fine
can we be friends?
are you on any socia media ?
@mytimenow what do you enjoy doing the most?list down a few things that you love.
Yes it would be nice to have a friend, and no I don´t have social media but I can download any that you have
I enjoy drawing a lot, I´ve been drawing since 6th grade so I´m pretty good at that, and I´ve been feeling unmotivated to draw so that sucks.
I also like to go on walks to a near forest/park that is near my house It helps me cool down but lately I haven´t been going there because I am not allowed to go there alone.
I love to listen to music a lot, I listen to music 24/7, it helps me not feel alone and keeps me company.
okay, maybe Instagram then?
how would that be?
yeah Ill make an account
tell me then…
have a good day
DONT DO IT PLEASE.THAT IS NOT A SOLUTION TO ANYTHING BACHCHA.
I’m sorry, I couldn´t hold it in much longer
Dear ,what did you gain when you cut yourself?
well, just a couple of minutes of relaxation tbh, idk it´ś something that just happens and you don´t really think properly when doing it.
Hey, it’s going to be okay. I’ve had this kind of issue too! I have 5 siblings and annoying parents. I’ve actually tried cutting (I didn’t) because I thought I couldn’t do anything right. There was too much stress. But cutting is just making yourself worse. I believe you can over come it! I believe in you!