Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

I talked to my family once again today. I made my grandparents happy.
I am an international student so I left home when I was 14 to study and live with my brother. As a kid, my parents always scold me because I never get good grades, ranking around 15 out of 32 students. I made a promise to my parents that I will study hard when I continue studying abroad and so they decided to invest in me. We are not from a wealthy family. My dad worked hard with ton of sweat coming back home, our country is poor so they don’t pay us much. That’s the reason why I want to get into prestigious universities so that my parents will feel like their investment isn’t for nothing. Since I was being scold at, harsh words usually came out of their mouth. Hah, there was also a time when I got slapped by my mom for getting a bad grade. I know it was for my own good but it was too harsh and I was a kid, so I held grudges against my family until a few days ago. Never have I thought I loved them at all. When I was in my home country, my sister treated me as if I was her personal maid. She sometimes shouted at me for being disobedient. Usually she would tell me to fetch stuff for her.
Arriving here, I never once called to my family members, they only reached out to me. I became cold and distant from them and never once I’ve thought of calling them and miss them at all. Even in pictures, I never showed the love, no nothing. I only called them whenever I needed something from them.
Things changed, 2021. One day my parents best friend invited them to go on a vacation with them, staying 2 night and 3 days at a resort. My dad declined because he wanted to save up for my tuitions and expenses here. He tried to convinced my mom and sister, who hasn’t been on a vacation or a relaxing place ever since I left abroad which was 1 year and so ago. Stingy, but business hasn’t been doing well ever since COVID-19. They are doing their best for me.
I have only realized that I never wanted to talked to them at the beginning because of grudges. The longer I stayed away from them, I didn’t get to hear their harsh comments or face any family conflicts, so my grudges slowly started to fade away. However the only reason why I still acted that way is because my grades weren’t good enough to make them proud. I got a couple A’s and 2-3 B’s. I felt guilty because my brother kept on spouting how useless I am to me. There was this time my brother and I shouted at each other because of my grades. I said if I am that useless, then should I just go die? He then said why don’t you just go die now? So that mom and dad won’t have to waste anything. At that moment, I was stunt. I told him that there are plenty of ways to die but I haven’t chosen a great way. And if I do die one day, then he will remember this day clearly for the rest of his life and regret. Pain will knock onto his door every second and guilt will tag along as well. There will not a day in life will he live freely.
Although I am still pissed for hearing that from my biological brother, I’m not here to tell you about him.
Anyway, I never wanted to visit my home country and talked to my family because I was believed to be a failure, but most importantly a coward. I could not face them all, I was ashamed as if I were to commit such serious crime. But this midterm I’ve been free even if it’s awhile. I’ll try to maintain my grades, straight A’s, but I am not confident with myself if I can do it. Once I return to school, it will be tough for me to talk in class and work because behind technology, I am a more confident person. I began to talk to everyone again, and I felt like I don’t want to let them go.
Perhaps this is my happiness. Grades are my happiness. Grades are the source for my family’s happiness and I like seeing people happy because I did something. I am free again, I can face my family again. Even just for awhile, I’ll enjoy this moment and be happy. Feel what it’s like to be such a happy person.