Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

I struggle a lot with the thoughts in my head. Some days they are so loud so I will spend hours just zoned out to music in an attempt to drown them out, and it still doesn’t work. And there are days when everything is so quiet and it seems like there is nothing there. As I’ve grown up, I got in trouble a lot for saying things when I got upset or having my feelings invalidated often, so I guess it became a habit to block out all internal thoughts when I get upset. And now I get in trouble for not saying things when I’m upset. There have been several times when I’ve been frustrated or sad and my mom has asked about what’s on my mind and when I answer honestly, I get lectured on how “that’s not the case” or “you must be hiding something because you aren’t being honest”. There are even times where I’ll share something I feel with my mom, like how I don’t want to get pregnant and birth kids, but that I’d rather adopt, and then she comes in strong and says all sorts of things that completely invalidate my opinion and make it seem like she doesn’t even care because she’ll argue with me and call me out for “not wanting to give her grandchildren”. It has gotten to the point where I don’t feel like I can even tell her about anything anymore for the fear that she will just turn it into a way to belittle me. And I now she expects great things from me, but I feel like I’m slowly drowning under her expectations. I don’t know what to do because the last time I talked to her about this she just got mad at me because “she didn’t know where this was coming from” and her “thoughts on what was expected from me was completely reasonable” when in reality they really were not… I just want a break to figure out how to make myself better…