I really need a side opinion on the following topic…

Sometimes… I just want to choke on my own tears and become nothing but a tiny cloud; I want to rip off my own skin and scream my lungs out, after which become eternal nothingness to never ever bother about a thing.
I enjoy feeling broken since then nobody expects anything from me, their pity is an enjoyable excuse for distancing myself.

This year was harsh. I’ve gone through so much crap combined at the same period of time that I feel like someone’s puppet.
My dearest pet friend passed away last month after long days of pain and sickness, I still have hard time coping with it. Yet another unpeaceful death… My other pet got beaten up by a moron that I happen to share roof with - and there’s no way to get rid of him yet, I’m serious. And a cherry on top of this shit-cake appeared my self-doubt.

I’ve been thinking endlessly about meaning of doing anything in life. Like what’s the point of even trying if at death bed it’s all the same. I do appreciate living and want to keep enjoying it, but whenever another bad day strikes, I simply forget about enjoyment.
My mind goes blank very often. I suddenly stop listening to anyone, get lost in my depressing thoughts.

And… I simply can’t express myself at this point. I’ve been hiding all the thoughts and pain in my heart, expecting people to give me default “ok” answer because they either don’t care or don’t think it’s that serious, just like they always did. Or… They honestly don’t know what to tell me.
There’s so much stuck on me, I want to cry my soul out, but there’s just no privacy in my life. And my friend (that I usually vent to) started acting cold towards me as well, since my “blank state” moments caused me avoid contacting her for weeks. At this point, it’s too awkward to chat with her at all.

I seriously want to tell all this my mum, but there’s that cruel asshole yelling around and acting like a complete douche. Whenever I get a moment to talk with my mum, he screams about needing her attention for whatever reason, and bam. She’s gone for this weekend. Not gonna be able to talk due to her job.
What’s even worse, he spent bunch of money that were saved for my birthday for his needs and alcohol-brewing. Now he’s drunk for entire week and been both untrusting and twice annoying.

I’m not sure if my current mental state just temporary problem and I should simply “live on”. I also would like to know what should I do with all this mess…
Thank you for reading this mess. Excuse the nonsense moments, I really need some sleep.