Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

I really hope this is the right place for me, I just want someone to listen to my story, without casting judgment, as I have no one. I am so distressed right now and going through many, many emotions and feelings all at once. I wish I could get straight to what’s effecting me now, however in order to do this, I need to talk about what got me to this point in my life, in order for you to understand a bit more about where I’m coming from.

I have a house and some cats, with my partner of about 18 years. It’s was about 5 years ago when things started to change due to situations beyond our control. My partner developed Lupus, to the point were she lost all her hair, which will never grow back, she got open sores all over her body including her head, which after healing leaves horrible scars like you would think she was a burns victim. Every area has been affected by her Lupus, mental health, bone pain, organ pain, no energy, painful sores, mood, no sex drive, socialisation, you name it. Then not long after this, I had a back injury at work, injuring my upper and lower back, through no fault of my own. I had been working as a nurse for about 20 years all up, I loved my job, it was very rewarding. Due to my injuries, I had to take sometime off work, but I always thought I would get better, I didn’t. I had to do two years of intensive rehab, and placed on many tablets, strong pain relief, antidepressants, anxiety tabs, sleepers, muscle relaxers. The meds made me like a zombie most of the time, I was walking with a walking frame and having home help. Any sex life with my partner was non existent due to the amount of pain we were in. It got to the point where my partner had to sleep in another room because I was disturbing her sleep. Then I lost my job as a nurse and my registration, as I could not keep up with the annual training while in the state I was in from the meds and pain. This hurt me a lot, because I had worked so hard to get to where I was as a nurse. I explained my situation to the nurses board on the phone, but they could not care less. I did not have anyone to talk to about what I was going through and so I just held on to it. Because I did not have any friends and still don’t, not one physical friend. It has just always been my partner and myself and her friends, there was my mother who was always good to talk to, but she passed on around this time as well. Then also around this same time, I started to get to know another male nurse I worked with. We had so much in common, I could not believe it, I had never in my life met someone with so much in common with me. I could see a great friendship forming, I was starting to feel positive. Then one day out of the blue, he took his life, no warning, leaving behind a house and wife. I was shocked and devastated, I had only known him for a month, yet I felt like I had known him for years, I was so upset and still are. Again I had no one to help me get through or deal with the grief and I only expressed it on my own alone. After about a year out of work, I finally started to improve to the point where I didn’t need the home help or walking frame anymore. My sex drive returned, my need for affection returned, I was more mobile and able to drive my car again, I could finally do more around the house, indoors and out. I began to show an interest in the garden which is still a love of mine, I now have lots of trees and plants and I talk to them regularly, they are my friends, as are my cats…I love my plants and cats. My partner did not get any better, yet still manages to go to work and sit at a computer all day. She works from Monday to Friday, comes home, has dinner, then go’s to her bedroom and on the internet, sometimes she watches the news for awhile, that’s it. On the weekends, she barely ever wants to go out, just stay in her room on the net or watches her favourite shows on TV . This is still the same now, we only do something together of her choice, by eating at a restaurant sometimes or going to her family’s. I do most of the work load around the house, inside and out, to the point where I do not feel like I’m in a relationship. I feel like I am her caregiver at times and that I am the caretaker of the house. Every day it’s the same thing for me, I get up, look after the animals, clean all the house, do watch, dishes, cook, work outside, help her with tasks she has trouble with…nothing else. She is an out patient at a hospital and has been to a Lupus support group, but there is no support for partners. No one ever considers that I myself might also need some support to deal with Lupus. Due to her lupus, her desire to show any physical affection towards me is non existent, no hug, no holding hands, no kissing, no sex life…nothing at all. I am a very affectionate person and very, very sexually active, I love sex and passion and have always seen it as an important part of a relationship. When she first developed Lupus, we found out that she could not have any children and I had to except that. It was very hard for me, as I always wanted to be a father, it still hurts as does everything else I’m sharing here. But I was not going to leave her just because of that, I have always been loyal and faithful unto her. Due to my sexual needs and frustrations, I turned to internet porn, as I was not going to cheat on my partner. Today, 5 years on, I am now heavily addicted to internet porn and I can’t get away from it. Internet porn is one of my best friends, I love it and can’t get enough of it, I will sometimes spend about 7 hours straight watching on my bed. I recently bought a good quality sex toy, which has increased the sexual experience all the more, making it as more realistic as I can. Through so much porn watching my mind has become so polluted and perverse, I have seen it all. I now live in a strong sexual fantasy world and see it as a normal part of my life. The more perverted the sex is in the movie or photo, the more beautiful I see it. I now could not stop watching or looking at porn if I tried, it is pretty much controlling my life. Then about a year ago, someone suggested I try smoking cannabis for the relief of my back pain. So I did and right away I was hooked, since that day I have been smoking cannabis every night from about 6pm through to sometimes 2am in the morning by myself. Sometimes I wish I just had one friend to smoke with at least or one friend to talk to, I can’t talk to my partner about anything I’m going through. She does not know what sort of person I have become, it’s not like I have always been this way. I feel that I have been pushed into it through certain circumstances taking place in my life which I have mentioned here…that’s what’s brought me to this point. If you have ever smoked cannabis while watching good quality porn and using a good quality sex toy. To me it is the most intense sexual experience I have ever had since I was a teenager climaxing for the first time, you feel it in every part of your being, it’s like a spiritual experience. Now I can not go without these three things together, making me even more addicted. I don’t remember a time where I have ever felt so lonely in my life. During the day, I often just stay home by myself, living like a hermit and living in a lonely, isolated existence. Sometimes I find a body in porn so nice, I use words like “yummy” or “delicious” to the point where I have wondered what it would be like to eat their body. I’m not talking about anything sexual here, but physically eat their body/flesh. It’s hard for me to even talk about these things here, because I’m wondering what people maybe thinking of me, even though I don’t know you. Recently I started collecting pornographic pictures off the internet, just for my own personal collection…nothing illegal. Sex is all I really think of all the time, day and night, I can’t shut it off. There have been many times over the last year or so where I have thought about suicide, in fact lately it’s been about three times a week. I have thought about trying to make an effort in finding friends, but they would have to be like minded and someone that excepts me as I am. Not only this but, it scares me, because it’s been so long since I have had a physical friend. Friendships take time and work to build on, I really don’t know how to do so and I need instant friends now. Just last year, my partner told me that, due to her condition she can no longer have sex with me again, ever…this was the final breaking point for me. I think I will end up taking my life soon, it seems the only way, I hate being so lonely, no one to talk to as I go more deeper into darker places in my mind, suicide seems the only way. My relationship with my partner is not healthy for my own well being, nor is the way I’m living, but I think it is to late for me, I have crossed the point of no return, I can not see a way out. I believe I have become mentally ill, a pervert and very sick in my mind and thoughts, where I can’t be rehabilitated, I have gone to deep down the rabbit hole. For a few years, I have been so frustrated for some sexual experience, I thought about going to a brothel. But then I thought but the gilt that I might feel and the fact that I had never been to one before, I kept putting it off. Then at the start of this year after been a almost 6 months strict lockdown from Covid 19, I was beside myself with frustration. When my partner went to work, I went into a brothel, the woman was very understanding, caring and beautiful. However, I went away feeling unfulfilled as I could not climax, maybe it was due to being my first time at a brothel ever. I kept worrying about how much time I had left, so I tried to fit as many positions in as possible which was probably not a good idea. Half an hour for $200 seemed to go so fast, it was over in no time, I thought to myself this is not what I want. One thing I did not feel, but thought I would feel was guilt. Lately I have been thinking, I have only three choices in my situation. 1. To take my life 2. To find sex partners with no strings and run the risk of sexually transmitted diseases 3. Go to government funded brothels that are safer, but spend all my money very quickly, then take my life. Which ever way, while here I can not survive without getting sex, but now my mind is like it is, I want to try everything I have seen in porn and my urges are even stronger. I can’t walk down the street without looking at a female and thinking sex. Even, watching adds on TV, music videos, reporters on the news, posters, anything can now set me off. I am so tormented and suffering every day in my mind, I went to my doctor to get some help recently. He sent me to a psychologist, he listened but did not say anything, after about 5 sessions, I did not feel I was getting anywhere and waisted my money. As I have not had an income come in for about 5 years, I’m slowly running out of money and time. I have realised that the girls I watch in porn have become younger, as young as they can while still legal. I am starting to feel very sick in my mind and barely maintaining control of my mind and body. Some new people moved in next door to me and they have 3 teenage girls. I hear them laugh and play and think to myself, they are so happy, young, full of energy, perfect skin and that I wish I was their age again. If I was their age, I would be making myself known to them without a doubt they would know I existed, they are beautiful, but I’m not their age, so all that has passed me bye now. When I go shopping with my partner, one of the things we do together. If I see someone walk by that I find attractive, I find it very hard to drag my eyes from them, sometimes that’s even males and I’m not gay. Sometimes I think, even if a guy wished to have sex with me, I would do it…just for some human contact. My partner has no idea of what I’m going through, my struggle within my body mind and body. My anger, frustration, sadness, loneliness, depression, hurt, helplessness, darkness, anxiety, stress, worry, pressure and much more. I have not been eating properly lately and even thought about cutting myself the other day. Because I wanted to feel the pain I feel on the inside on the outside, if that makes sense. I was brought up in a strict Christian religion and a good up bringing, but sheltered. I felt long ago the God of that religion never helped me and due to where I am right now. I decided to make a blood pact with Satan…one of the only friends I have, other than his infernal Demons. I few weeks ago I joint a website for those looking for no strings sex. However, there seemed to be a lot of flirting that needs to be done first, something I lost interest in and I was dragged away by the calling of internet porn. I’m loosing interest in all things now, due to internet porn, my sex toy and weed. Sometimes I feel like I’m possessed, when watching porn, I will be growling, moaning, trembling, convulsing, foaming at the mouth, with my tongue out constantly, even sometimes talking in another tongue. These days during the day I tend to talk to myself more and more as if someone is there to share my moment with me. I have so much time on my hands to think about everything, not working and it’s not good. Please don’t judge me, maybe people are to scared to talk about it, but I’m sure I’m not the only one in this world like this. I wish I knew where they are hiding, because I would really like someone to talk with, it might help me. I feel dead, I’m in a deep darkness, I’m existing but not living. Thank you for taking the time to read this. My despair within me is very, very real. I’m in tears now, just writing this here. I’m a 52 year old man. My thoughts and where I find myself scare me.