I just wanna talk about my OCD. If anyone who is going through the same or understands it. I would love to have a talk.

Relationships

I worry a lot and do mistakes a lot in nearly everything. Nothing goes fine by me.

I am 24, and I am tired of living a lie. That everything is fine. But it's not. I am not okay. Everything has messed up in my life. I have ruined my life. Nothing is going good, Infact it's just a survival in life and just passing every day. I feel like trash. Just a trash. Recently, When I fall sick. I was joining dots. I failed in life. I don't feel like I got anything here than pain. Living is like worm. When you born, when you died, what you did, nothing matters. You are not counted in anything

Adulting

i suddenly feel very heavy, like the weight on my shoulders were a bit more heavier than yesterday. things here at home, well, they're fine but i feel really lonely. though its the most where i feel safe. at school, i feel like everyone is already way ahead of me, they already know which paths they would take for their future, while i still don't have a proper plan. my friends, they are having so much time, and im glad they talk to me too, but sometimes i feel left out and there's too much going on. lastly, i have this person that i like so much, and he likes me back! but i feel so distant with him lately even if i try my best to contact and communicate with him as much as i can. school is taking so much toll on me, and i still have strains from dance practice. 

im glad for everyone, but i feel like im way behind them to be able to keep up. im just here, infront of my computer, slacking the day off. i feel so guilty, like i havent even done anything right in my life. i don't know what to do, and i feel sad rn. i want to try my best, and i am trying my best with the things i like to do, but i feel like im still lacking something .. or maybe im just being overdramatic and very emotional .. idrk haha sorry for rambling on and on im pretty sure this is way too long to read t-t



Anxiety

I'm 14 y/o soon gonna be 15 and feeling like missing out everything due to my awful communication skills. Idk I was always so lonely and had no friends to talk to but lately due to the coronavirus, I'm just sad the whole time. I'm trying to feel happier through watching my fav series which is Skam, but it just makes me lonelier. I don't know what to do anymore and am so scared of the future and get so stressed about it even tho I'm so young. 
I don't know how to explain this, but I'm kinda imagining another "me" in my mind, which has everything i dont, friends, a family which has time and a bunch of talents. I daydream about the happier "me" in my mind the whole time and I honestly don't know if I'm just getting absolutely crazy due to this lonelieness. 

Lonely

I dont know why i am feeling down often.Totally feeling tired in thinking about me. I dont know whether i am honest to myself or not. I want to be honest to myself. But i couldnt. Its like in my life i have to hid my feelings and live. During few times i feel like i am corpse of no feelings. Did i do wrong in interseted in men! .. Why cannot our society simply accept it for it as it. I feel i am being coward not following feeling and cheating myself to make my loved ones happy to extreme. I am feeling uncomfortable being like this. Even my i am not sure that my friends will accept me for what i am!. ...i am totally fed up in myself.

Depression

I am gonna be 24 in few days and I am anxious. I haven't done anything in life till now. I dont look good , I still dont have a job ,no friends or significant other, nothing. I look back and there is just shitty past, nothing good. I hustle everyday but I haven't achieved anything.
Its like I have been robbed of happiness my entire life. I want time to stop. I want to live all those moments that I haven't. I feel like a failure. I dont want to be an adult so soon , I dont even look like one. I dont want to be alone.

Frustration

I really need someone to talk to I feel so fucking awful right now I can’t. There’s so much inside me I feel like I’m going to burst. There was this guy that I completely fell for. I would’ve done anything for him. I loved him so much that I lost my own self. Then I found out that he likes this other girl. This other girl, who was everything I wasn’t. She was rich, pretty. Whereas I was just ugly poor old me. I’ve already been suffering from depression and anxiety since I was 11. I’m 17 now. But that broke me. Completely. I lost myself really bad. After a couple of months I felt better a little, but I had these delusions. It was like the whole event was happening over and over again. He’s always here. I used to picture him here with me. But I cant control these delusions. I know I’m doing this to myself but I can’t control it. He’s always there. I’m always being watched. I always pretend like everything I’m doing is being watched by him. My day is disrupted by these delusions, I can’t do anything. And at night, all I see is him. The whole thing happening again again again. There’s no escape from him. Loving him so much has affected my brain. I’m going crazy but I need help. I want to stop. Forget. And for the past two weeks I’ve taken 6 online anorexia tests and I’ve been tested positive. I haven’t eaten anything since morning, I always make myself throw up. I took six pills yesterday just to feel numb and sleep. I need help. No one cares. Who should I tell that I need help? I don’t want to be like this. 

~~ I feel horrible to be honest~~ 
I’ve had a very bad past. I’m trying to get over it but it’s too hard. I’ve tried ending my life several times but something holds me back. I cry to bed every single day and no one at home is worried. They think I’m mentally ill even though they’re a part of the reason I’m like this. I don’t what to do. I have zero faith in me. 

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