I just found out that I failed in 3/6 engineering 5th sem subjects. 2020 was rough. I found out that my dad has kidney and heart failure, I saw him nearly die in front of my eyes, I met w an accident and lost a tooth and have bruises all over my legs, my mum fractured her right wrist, so all the burden that was shared between the both of us, fell completely on my head. I had a shop to run, people to cook for and simultaneously attend my online classes. All of our classes were online but my finals were offline. It was a really tough time especially since I could not focus on anything. I looked like I was handling everything well but internally I was broken. I had 3 panic attacks and on the 3rd one, I knew I needed help. So, I started therapy. It went on well at the start but for some reason, I wasn’t able to tell the person my complete emotion. I always shyed away or hid certain details. So, I told my friend about it and he said that it’s almost like I need to take therapy to go for therapy. That actually made a lot of sense to me but he was just cracking a joke. Anyways, no matter what my past struggles have been, people only look at the outcomes of things. They don’t look at the reason for which I failed. I know that it’s embarrassing to fail one’s own expectations but I wasn’t given the right environment to focus and pass them. Idk why no one realizes that. That sucks. Now all that’ll remain is that I’m a “failure”. None of my accomplishments nor my struggles will ever come into picture here. And that sucks and hurts. My grandma, who I was close to, even more than my parents passed away earlier this year and I sorta started this self blame thing cause I distinctly remember me being happy and then once things settled, the news I got was worse than ever. It happened at every major event that has occurred since 2020. Idk, no matter what I do, I feel like it isn’t enough, nothing seems exciting enough or I force myself to not be happy cause things get chaotic if I do.
niti agti @aragni
Hey dear.
First of all. Jadu ki jhappi.
Calm down. Failure doesn’t mean u didn’t work hard. And u don’t need to show someone else how hard it has been on u. U did so much . Things happened. Sometimes things are not in our hands. U agree right!!! But that doesn’t mean u are a failure. Jo try hi nahi karte they are failures. And there is lot to do in future. Don’t feel disheartened. If therapy doesn’t worked one time that doesn’t mean ki sab khatam. Things will get better. And u will do better. This is a hard time for u. Talk here . Express urself. Trust me. U will do way better. Then those people in blaming will praise u. Don’t worry. Best is yet to come
Stay safe and blessed
Thank you so much for your kind words:)) I’ve been trying to get other people’s opinions to not take over but it’s just soo hard. All this while I was doing great, until I saw that I’ve backs. I have been working hard and have had sleepless nights to study for these exams cause I’d be working all day, so only God knows how much or what I’ve been through. Thank you, your words really made me all emo:'))))
I’m sorry that you’ve to go through this. The year has been really tough on you, and you’ve tried everything to be strong. Not trying to sound rude, but it’s okay to have backlogs, I am sure many of us can relate. You’re not a failure, you’re a fighter. You’ve done everything in your capacity to give your best shot. Yes, people might remember this for a long time, but that doesn’t define you, the best I can suggest is don’t let what people say get under your skin. Do not force yourself to not be happy, don’t suppress your emotions, let them out whatever they are. I’m sure, things will work for good, and will be fine soon. You did good, and you’ve been a good student, good son, good grandson, and a nice person. So cheer up, cause you deserve peace. Sending love ❤️
Thank you so much for your wonderful words:))) Honestly, all emo right now. I’m trying to change the thought of “being a failure” to a “fighter”. It wasn’t rude at all. I need to accept the fact that I have backs and need to move forward and study for the exams and try and ace them
the next time I write them. Also, good DAUGHTER, good GRANDDAUGHTER😌. Idk, I felt like that’s sorta an achievement for an only child to do all of this, almost single handedly and if I ask my younger self if I’d ever be able to do all of this, I’d straight up deny it. I had to take my dad for dialysis 3days a week at 4 in the morning,come back, cook and then go open up my shop and come back home by 10pm, by myself and then study or write my assignments. My cousin brother did help out a lot, so I’ve to be thankful for him as well. But really I wish I had opened up before cause I do feel lighter after all this. Really helps and you guys are doing an amazing job here!!!
Thank you, once again:')))
Sorry, I should have asked your pronouns, but didn’t get the space. We’ll I’m proud to see you coming all strong. Hoping that you’ll do better in the days to come. Sending love.
Oh no no, that’s okay:))
Thank you so much;))
So, this was something I wrote as a rant to myself when my grandma passed away cause I couldn’t tolerate or accept it. Went into a zone of self blame and guilt and it ate me up. I have recovered from this but when you experience more loss, the previous losses come to your mind and literally haunts you. I try talking to my friends but how much will they keep listening to my sad stories. Cause honestly,my life just seems too sad to be true. So, I couldn’t let it out before so, here goes.
.
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WHY IS IT SOO HARD TO GET OVER CERTAIN LOSES!? Incomprehensible pain. I still sometimes deny the fact that Amma’s gone. She was my backbone, my everything and it’s just too many loses to bear. Over and over, piling up one on top of the other, it’s just fucking exhausting and frustrating. Every day gets a lil more bland than the prev. There’s soo much of sadness, annoyance and rage but all of it stays buried deep inside cause I’m always supposed to “stay strong” & “be positive” & “find the “good” in all of this” crap (Yup. Quotes within quotes) and all sorts of toxic positive shit. Honestly, I was this person even a while back but I don’t want to say that kinda false shit until I actually mean it from within. Even the happy moments don’t really seem happy anymore and I’m the kinda person who finds joy in the lil things. Sometimes, when shit hurts, you let it hurt only to ease the pain. Rant, vent, mope around, cry, weep, sleep, IT’S OKAY! Heal yourself. If this is the way you think is your coping mechanism and your way of dealing w all this then JUST FUCKING DO IT! If this doesn’t work then we’ll try something else. Okay, now go study.
