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Anonymous
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I haven’t shared this with anyone but I got a dream which I remember vividly.
The first one was a while ago.
Mummy aur mera bhai mujhe boht pareshan kar rahe the as usual jaise wo abhi kar rahe hain. Dono mujhe kabhi nahi samajhte hain. Ek team hoke agar mujhe thoda sa bhi gussa aata hai apne me aisi baatein karte hain jo mujhe zyada hurt karti hain. Mujhme anger issues hain, ik, par jab sab khatam hoke main rone lag jaati hu wo log aisi baaten karte hain ki ye to hai hi aisi pagal, humesha aise hi karti hai, mujhe to uski chinta hoti hai, kya karegi ye, nakhre hain bas iske. Wagerah wagerah. I can’t stand them anymore. And this is the exact feeling jo mujhe sapne me dikhi, I was literally crying after getting up. Koi agar mentally weak feel kar raha hai, aur aapke jaise nahi sochta to kya aisa behaviour karna jisse wo aur toot jaaye, ye valid hai kya? Kab tak apne andar rakhu sab? Main pagal ho jaaungi aise. Ya to main sabse baat band kardu tabhi shayad main theek reh paaungi kyuki ye log including papa, ye log mujhe kabhi samajh nahi paayenge aur humesha negative hi bolenge mujhe. Weak pad jaati hu ye sochke ki ye hain to meri family aur intention aisi nahi hai par karte to wahi hain na wo log end me jisse meri haalat aur bigadte jaa rahi hai. Ek aur dream tha, jo 3 din pehle aaya tha. Main apne bachpan ke ghar me thi, bahar aangan me and what I see is mere papa mujhe kuchh to aakh me laga rahe hain with the intention of fighting and punishing. Mere mummy aur bhai bhi wahi hain. Main ro rahi hu par wo log fir bhi aise kar rahe hain. Side me meri ek friend aur uski family khadi hai, main ro rahi hu ki papa mummy wo log dekh rahe hain aise mat karo, main kaise mu dikhaungi unko, apan aur jhagda nahi karte par papa still wese kar rahe hain aur meri friend aur uski family has rahi hai mujhpe. Papa mere aakh me dale jaa rahe hain kuchh aur mummy kuchh bhi nahi kar rahi hai mujhe bachane ke liye helpless khadi hai, unko rok bhi nahi rahi hai. Itna bura aur bhayanak sapna tha ki mujhe sote sote rona aa gaya. I woke up in the middle of night crying like anything sat on the bed, cried for a long time. My father and mother who were asleep beside me didn’t even care to see or maybe they were too asleep aur honestly, agar main unko jagati to wo log sach me mujhe aisehi bolte agle din ki main pagal hu ya fir papa to 100 percent ye baat kabhi jhagda jeetne me laate mujhe hurt karne ke liye. Isiliye maine kisi ko nahi bataya, koi samajh to pata nahi to kyu batana.
Dono sapne the par feelings boht sach thi. Ye bata rahi hu taaki aap koi bhi ho atleast ek visualised tarike se samajh sako ki main kis mental state me hu abhi. Mujhe help chahiye professionally ya nahi ye main nahi jaanti. Bas sab hote huye bhi akele lagta hai aur dinbhar rona aata hai kyuki mujhe koi nahi samajhta aur mere saath koi nahi hai.
Also, tell me how to feel better about myself, I really really need it. Thankyou

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Anonymous

Hey dear,

I totally understand what state you are in… I can relate and understand your feelings… I was in a similar situation in the past.

Honestly, sometimes whether it’s mom, dad or siblings none of them are so capable of understanding what we need emotionally, physically, mentally, etc… They are just not capable of it. It is not that they don’t care about us… They care in someway or in rare cases it’s worst but most of the time they do care… But they do not have that level of understanding capacity. I found peace with myself when I spoke out my feelings with strangers. I was able to live with myself when I understood myself rather than seeking to be understood… I could only say enjoy your time by doing whatever you want to… What do you think can make you feel good that you can do by yourself…like painting, walking, exercising, or just observing a tree or sitting with plants, or gazing sky… something that you can do by yourself and let your thoughts flow, you have validate your feelings, emotions… No one will do it for you you have to do it… Ever since I awoke from that nightmare of life of seeking to be understood by people, I always rely on this thought- I am the one I am looking for in other people. What I want people to do for me or my way, it’s not them who will do it, it’s me who have to do it. For e.g. when I feel angry about something that is not agreed by mummy and di ya bhai, I say they are different than me that means I am different too. That doesn’t mean my feelings, emotions, thoughts, choice can’t be different. They are meant to be different! They aren’t enough capable of understanding this difference!!! Aap dekh paa rahe actually what it is.

It didn’t suddenly change they things, but gradually and slowly I am starting to be the person I am looking for… There are still things I feel someone should be there to understand or hug me or just listen and validate… But now I know that I am enough and I will overcome it… This strength can after long time…
I believe in you and you are strong and enough.
I believe this will help you.

Lots of love and power to you