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Anonymous

I have this really weird feelings about someone. Let’s call him Mr. X. So Mr. X and I was a childhood friend and we attend a same church. We’re about the same age and he is really annoying when he as a kid. I used to hate him very much because he likes to do something stupid, but I was still playing with him. When I was in High School, he is acting weird by touching my waist which is I find it really annoying and it hurt my waist, so I always pushed him away. To be honest, he is pretty cute but I don’t really like a boy with too much energy. After we graduated from High School, he continue his education to another country and only can go back to my country every once in 6 month.

When he got back for vacation, he still did some “touching” things that I still find it really annoying. One day, he touched my thigh and I pushed his hand away and nag at him. the really weird things are, he sometimes did flirt jokes with another girl that made people think that he likes the girl. he also asked for my number, but I never answer his text. he did say “I missed you” to me which is I find it really weird, since I was happy when he is away from me (I just realize how awful I am). I really want to be friend with him but not that kind of friend, I just want him to think of me as a guy friend. Even if he really weird, he still a nice boy.

But because of Crona things, he can’t go back to my country and has to stay there until the vaccine is out. We still have Online meeting with another friends from Church every Sunday. We do some talks, pray, singing, and sharing. Since he was in a country that have many information about the vrus, he always share it to us so we can more aware and be safe here. From this point, I see that he was mature and grow up well so it was a good thing.

One day, he was announce that he got a girlfriend. I was really happy to hear that, since he was alone in another country, I think he need a partner and the girl was a native! It was really cool and really, I am happy to hear that.

Few days later, I dreamed about him but I don’t want to think about it. But the dreams always coming almost 4 days in row and I begin to wonder why. My mom also told me to find a partner and she mention Mr. X’s name. My sister too, she said that Mr. X and I looks good together, but I said to her that he already has a girlfriend. It makes me always have thought about him and it’s very dangerous because I became fallen for him. I can’t let this feelings happen! He already happy with his girlfriend and I never have a contact with him anymore. I feel really guilty now because I was fallen for another person’s boyfriend. Right now, I try not to look to his photo or find out about him and his girlfriend. I want to tell this to my friends, but I feel so ashamed of myself since I was the one who pushed him away from the start. I did tell my friends (but not the one I use to play with) and my friends said that it was my karma. I can see it why. My other friend said that the feelings that I got caused by loneliness during quarantine. my friend also said, who ever he is, if he already got a girlfriend or boyfriend, then he wasn’t the right person for me.

So, Mr. X, I hope you never read this because I’ll be really shy if you saw this and don’t know what to do if we meet up. But here’s some words from me:

“I hope you are happy and live well there. I can see you are doing your best to keep living even it was really hard without your family there. I believe that you got a nice friends and girlfriend that really care about you. You must make your girlfriend happy and don’t you ever make her cry! Please focus on your study and make your parents proud of you. I’m happy to see you become a better guy.”

PS I’m finally getting better at English! Now we can talk in English when we meet up ^^

-from a girl who you should never date because she was fucked up-

2 Comments
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aamisha

Hey. Don’t be so harsh on yourself love. Him loving/liking you shouldn’t be the criteria for what you feel for him. It’s perfectly alright if you fell for him now. Yet it’s important to understand how he’s with someone else now. And it’s both emotionally and practically illogical to invest so much into him now. Let’s see what the future holds for you both. I really hope you two never lose each other , you got thiss!!

Anonymous

OK, first of all, you are not a bad person for being happy when someone is away. it only means they aren’t good for you. And you ARE NOT FUCKED UP!! You gotta be nicer to yourself honey!! Also, if a guy is touching you even on your thigh, and it’s not welcome, and you tell him and he doesn’t stop that IS harassment. be careful.