Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

I have successfully pushed away all my friends including my best friend who continuously hurt me throughout the last year like betrayal,etc. Yet somehow I always ended up forgiving and they kept creating even more mistakes. Now when they finally talk about change and actually meaning it,I no longer have the strength to support them moreover I feel terrified talking to them in the fear that they’ll hurt me again
I broke myself and every part of me last year for them,now I don’t have the strength for it anymore and it pains me that I have to give up . I am very stubborn,I don’t give up,but now I have to because I’m slowly starting to believe they’ll never change no matter what. But I want this friendship to work,they know me more than anyone else, we’ve known each other for the past 8-9 years and it’s like having a second skin. But it’s so so hard and I’ve emptied myself and gave them every inch of care and love that I had,neglected myself and my health only for them but it was completely in vain. My parents won’t let me out of my house,I have to be in my room 24/7,I’m going insane slowly rotting away in my room,I have been since last year. I started talking to people who don’t exist,don’t know what’s going on with half the time and I either feel anything or feel nothing at all,there’s no in between. All my relationships are torn down by me,I am so toxic and I end up ruining everything yet somehow I also work so so hard for that to not happen because I’m terrified of people leaving me. I get anxiety attacks every now and then,can’t sleep,throw up,can’t stop crying or cry too much,I need someone. I do,but I can’t ask anyone because no one knows this side of me,they know me as someone “perfect, capable,put together and so on”. I really am now,I am losing it here,my showers are starting to stink of blood,I can’t stop cutting and my legs are going numb,I just…I don’t know how long I can take this anymore. I want someone to notice me,that I exist,that I’m in pain. I feel like no one actually sees me for me,no one actually can understand the pain. But somehow I can feel other people’s pain,I can feel their happiness,sadness everything,it gets so overwhelming at times. It gets so so loud in my head,it’s agonizing to hear it,I want them all to shut up. I don’t even know why I’m here rn, everyone around me is so fake and it’s frustrating,I want someone to see me,I want someone to see my suffering,I want someone to be there for me like how I’ve been there for countless people. I want to cry and tell them it’s paining,it’s paining so much,I want to breakdown and tell them to please lighten my burden,just a little bit,I want anyone just to see me for me