I have flat emotions , depressed state of mind, low self esteem,poor social interaction. I found out that , I’m suffering from schizoid personality disorder…All the data about this disorder exactly suits me…I hv also done some online psychiatric tests for this and examined as severe SPD. My childhood was bad. My parents didn’t take care of me…Or expressed any kind of love or affection. I am a victim of emotional and verbal abuse from my mother. She never talked to me expect insulting me.My parents never appreciated me. I used to be alone everytime. I hate to be with everyone. I have only few friends…I can’t manage a relationship for long. Friendships are really short term for me. I like not to speak to anyone. I hate parties and gatherings. I have a fear of crowd. I can’t drive through crowded places. In my growing stage, when I see someone passing by or coming home…I will run to hide. Even now, I hide myself when I see someone approaching. I’m a victim of neglect. I still remember that.When I was studying in lower grades, I used to explain the school things to my mother. But she always neglected me…sometimes she even yelled at me to stop talking… Gradually I stop talking to her. I don’t know when I stopped talking. After that I didn’t spoke to my parents apart from necessary things.So, now I know from childhood itself I suffered a lot. I was jealous and sad at the same time, when I see mothers consoling and caring their children. Also, my mother mistreated my friends also, when they come home. So during my school and college days, I was afraid to invite my friends to my home. My father cared me when I’m sick. I’m grateful for that. But my mother won’t. I don’t have any affection or bonding with her. She always treated me with abusive words, which made my self confidence to zero.I don’t have life goals or ambitions. I was in a complete blank situation, after completing my school. Now, I know what I have become. I don’t know what to do in my life. I don’t know how to live. So, when I suffer from insomnia and severe mental pain i think about ending my life. But I don’t know whether I’m right or not? This is me.
Hello. I am very sorry to hear you fell victim to a bad childhood. A lot of times, our parents are unaware of the effects they are having on us. Sometimes they do, sometimes they don’t. Regardless, from your description, they didn’t sound to be very emotionally aware. The good news is, life is all about learning and growing. I’m not sure of your current living situation, nor is that even necessary, but you appear to have the awareness that your parents did not. You are capable of taking your chance at life and making it what you want. You can learn to cope with your past and your mental states. You can live the life you want if you chose to. It will not be a smooth road all the time, but you can still see love and joy in everyday life. You’re not trapped, you’re not your parents, you’re not beyond help or hope. You can do this!
Thank you for your kind words.
Heyyyy after reading this it reminds me of something you know what you’re not alone in this there’s alot of children who’s living like this craving for a hug from their parents… One thing remember you’re so loving the people love you remember you can’t change what’s going around you until you change what’s going inside of you just go an choose a field of study join university i know it’s not easy it will take some time but do it try to do meditation everyday after getting up and before sleeping 15 mins try to learn some new skills like computer or anything from YouTube or any site don’t let your parents life be your life start smiling practice gratitude spread love and try to give love to your parents as well just whenever you get time tell them you love them i plain and simple words and then see the change… You’re so worthy and you’re important the world needs you. You’re strong you can change❤️
I want you to start reading books specially self help books after reading book you will never feel alone start giving motivation speech online or in anywhere you get a chance but it requires reading alot if books do it i will bet yoy it will change your life
