I have been trying to get into a stable relationship for 5 years now. I am overweight so generally girls around me don’t find me attractive. My parents have been fighting with each other since I was in the 4th grade. I have a tendency to lie for no rational reason most of the time. And I do that often. I feel that people around me don’t understand me. No one understands me. Right before I go to sleep, I feel like I’m falling in an endless pitch black pit and I’m raising my hands so someone can pick me up. But because of my lying and distrustful nature, no friend of mine talks to me anymore. I work in the merchant navy, I was stuck on my last ship for 14 months, my contract was only for 9, since we had no clue when we were going to get home I tried to commit suicide thrice but stopped because I honestly didn’t have the guts to do it. I thought getting back would make things better when I would come home but I messed up my relationship, my parents started fighting again. I don’t know a good therapist and honestly don’t know what to do. I feel lost and hopeless. I barely have any friends. The only thing to help me cope with this is alcohol and weed which I know is wrong, but I don’t what else to do. I thought everything would get better, but everyday it just gets worst. I call my ex hoping things would get better between the both of us. But she’s already moved on and I need to respect that. I honestly don’t know know how to stop these toxic thoughts and overthinking. Please help me out.