I have been sexually abused during childhood⌠Its like inappropriate touching and all by my cousins⌠But when things get worse I somehow alerted elders but I cudnt open up at that time⌠I just told he is trying to kill me these happened when I was 7-14 yrs old⌠Somehow I will just escape by never going near him like that⌠My parents trusted them so much and I felt pity for my aunt so I kept silentâŚn I didnât know what was happening around me⌠But I was not like a normal child, I used to be alone, too scared like that⌠I had several side effects but I didnât know all that⌠After attaining puberty I somehow to escape I went to a boarding school⌠Like that I never had the boldness to scold any abuser in my life ⌠I just somehow protect myself⌠I have suicide intentions, anxiety, people pleasing behavior, scared of opposite gender like that⌠People are misusing my innocence and I am scared of living in this world⌠When I told everything to my parents they just asked me to keep it as a dark secret and tried marrying me soon⌠I hate being born as a woman⌠There is nothing to be proud of⌠I was begging to my parents I need help from psychologists âŚthey are never helpingâŚthey are just asking me to keep silent⌠My cousins never stopped misbehaving and even after one of my cousin misbehaved again with someone else and got beatings in public my mom saved him feeling pity⌠He never realized his mistake⌠The victim blaming and shaming is the only thing thatâs there⌠Since nthn big happened according to my parents⌠If I say something out it will spoil my future âŚthatâs what they were thinking⌠I cudnt live a normal life⌠I regret for tolerating abuse for a very long time and being a coward âŚwhich is making my abusers abuse several ppl⌠I feel guilty⌠When I scolded them my cousin were like blaming me⌠I donât have any evidence for every abuse I have experiencedâŚhow can someone actually collect evidence tolerating misbehavior⌠Its always like they will show them to me when I was a kid and ask me to touch like that⌠They try touching me but I always somehow escaped⌠I always have anger but since my parents never supportedâŚI just focused on my safety⌠I have so much traumaâŚand I didnât know I had so many side effectsâŚno one is helping me to get back normal⌠I just cry alone⌠I got married and faced so many problems⌠I am scared of even my husband âŚI am scared of every male person in the world⌠Sometimes I act mad and prefer to get divorce and stay alone⌠I donât feel people are validating me âŚeven my husband was very worse in the start he was so lustful tried to have relationships with other women⌠When I told this to my parents and inlaws they were not so supportiveâŚthey scolded my husband somehow stopped it but I feel so worthlessâŚmy self esteem is so bad⌠My parents were just concerned about society a lot⌠I feel everything is a mess⌠Even before marriage I told I donât like this guy⌠My dad didnât even understand me⌠They scolded me like do you want to go with some other guy like thatâŚI didnât know how to speak up for myselfâŚexpect running away I had no choice⌠Even running away I was scared if beasts in the society⌠I am scared to live aloneâŚafter marriage when there were problems my parents just cried ⌠My husband again tried cheating meâŚmore than that he forced me to have open relationship⌠When I was praying to god he used to be so angry and scold me to have been outdatedâŚI got married when I was 21 and he was 24 âŚwe both were so immatureâŚI tried going to psychologists âŚbut cudnt help myself⌠I cudnt open up and their help lasts only for some timeâŚand I took psychologists help without the knowledge of my family⌠So I cudnt spend so much on it too⌠Even while going to psychologists I am scaredâŚeven when someone hits me in bus I shiver âŚfreeze and get scared⌠Bcoz these beasts will never accept their mistakes and will blame me ⌠I just felt I shudnt overact and will move somewhere else⌠Recently another incident happen and it was worseâŚI was in severe depression⌠I was crying and begging for divorce⌠My parents were very different after marriage they were like seeing me as a burdenâŚasking me to tolerate⌠When someone abuses it feels like I obey them after so much experience like that⌠I myself started thinking abuse is normal and if I say that out even police canât help⌠Since I donât have evidence and I donât like talking about that deeply evenâŚeven when a girl gets raped its not easy to prove thatâŚand what she has lost she is never going to get it backâŚpunishment even is too less⌠I just want mental strength and want to protect myself from future abuse⌠At least thatâs enough I am so scaredâŚI always somehow try to gain trust in opposite genderâŚfor the first time I gained trust with my teacher in boarding school⌠I always share everything to male or female teachers âŚif there are anything tough in studies like thatâŚand many of my teachers have helped me and guided me well⌠Since my parents used to be always busy and never help me dealing with traumaâŚI just open up somehow to lose the heavinessâŚI am good at studies⌠I got even school first in 10th standard âŚafter that I went to boarding school to protect myself from my abusers but I faced some bullying and adaptation problemsâŚsince that was a new environment ⌠I was never like a normal kid⌠Like this my dreams are getting distracted by beasts around meâŚI regret being born as a womanâŚbeing naive innocent cowardâŚI never hurt anyone but ppl hurt me ⌠All these beasts even when I beg they will Leave for some time ⌠but again somehow they will repeat the sameâŚthey just took me for granted⌠âŚI wanted to get a good job so I was trying for state civil services⌠At first my family was not so supportive but I was so stubborn⌠My in-laws promised me they will help me to prepare for exams before Marg thatâs why I accepted⌠But after marriage I had responsibilities for 2 years⌠My husband was doing his PG so I helped him completely and spent a lot of timeâŚ
I donât like my motherâs mentality in several stuffâŚshe gets beating from my dad and similarly if I get beating from my husband she normalizes that⌠My mom has a mentality like women need not studyâŚMarg or kids are so important like that⌠Patriarchy is so worseâŚSomehow I am preparing for exams⌠I can go to a normal jobâŚmostly I will prefer freelancing âŚI am afraid of male beasts⌠After puberty I never go out after 6 pm even âŚeven to nearby shop⌠I feel so scared⌠Bcoz if smthn happens ppl will just blame me⌠I look so feminine and like a kid ⌠I donât know martial arts⌠I wanted to learn self defence but no one is supporting meâŚeven to go to class I am afraid without my dad or husband I am scared of going to far away placesâŚI upgrade my skills by going to nearby places âŚI am trying for civil services mainly bcoz I like the syllabus it makes me so aware of a lot of stuff and I guess I can be safe in that job⌠I genuinely respect ppl and talk normally to any gender⌠While working in office some might try getting close in the name of brother etc⌠But I had my boundaries⌠And I escaped since they were not so worse ⌠After marriage I went to a institute for a month for test series atleast⌠My husband was angry and becomes violent since I left him and stayed with my parents to study⌠It was hard managing⌠But I have to do it⌠I worked hard but since its my first attempt I cudnt clear⌠I lost it in very few marks⌠The key was too wrongâŚI was so unlucky⌠My mom was forcing me to have kids soonâŚalready i have had enough with marriage⌠And I donât trust my husband⌠N anyoneâŚmy parents forced me into marg but after that they just blamed me you should have run away like that⌠I am scared if I have a kid and if I am without a job ⌠I might be a burdenâŚand I donât want my kid to suffer like meâŚI want to be a bold mom and be a good role model⌠I wanted to be financially independent⌠I spent my dowry for my husbandâs study and he is now helping me now⌠My parents have assetsâŚbut I donât want to be dependent⌠I was strong⌠I want to be matured enoughâŚmy husband should appear supportive and âŚif I get a job it would be even better⌠After this result since I didnât clear⌠I was quite upsetâŚat that time one of the staff trapped meâŚhe himself appeared as if he can help⌠He himself forced me to open up about my pain⌠He wore a maskâŚhe is very talented in luring or grooming⌠Manipulating or poisoning⌠In my life I have faced several ppl like that but never fell into any trap⌠But this guy I had so much respect on him since he was a staff⌠I just told I was 21 got married I worked so hard to clear exam but I cudnt⌠I used to be a very sensitive person⌠So I cried in callâŚthats the momentâŚhe just asked me to video call⌠I didnât even realize about his bad intentions⌠And tried talking some shit like his aim is to marry a divorced or widowed women etc etcâŚI was strong I just told I donât want anyone in my life⌠I just wanted to study like that⌠I didnât even knw his bad intentions⌠I never thought a guyâŚhe is a staffâŚhe is preparing for civil services⌠I never even imagined he might misbehave with me in future⌠I just trusted him way too much⌠Every beast has a way âŚevery abuser is different⌠This guy after a few days were like he told he is so suicidal and has thoughts of killing himself from a running busâŚI felt so scared felt pity⌠I genuinely cared and thought he is suicidal and needs help⌠But he has got different intentionsâŚhe forces me into video callsâŚsends inappropriate videos and forces me to meet him aloneâŚin a disguiseâŚcalls me as if he wants to hold hands to temple etc⌠Thank god I never went alone⌠I never met him aloneâŚI never allowed him to touch me even⌠At first itself one of my frnd warned me this staff is bad like that⌠But this guy spoke angrily as if he is such a good person and told this is the reason he never send even notes to womenâŚwomen are bad like thatâŚmy frnd only tried misbehaving like that âŚhe lied⌠He is such a talented abuser⌠He clearly knows luring a married woman now is not a crime⌠I didnât knw all these and was very naive⌠The trust I hadâŚwhen he forced me so muchâŚand I thought of calling police or telling to parents but was scared I didnât trust anyoneâŚthey will stop my studies or will scold me for being a frnd to a guy⌠I thought I wud be overreacting⌠I was advising that idiot and he was like u r a very good person donât block me like that⌠He tried using me and luring me in a very different wayâŚhe used to send notes or will ask to apply for any exam like this⌠I scolded him so badly but he scolds me for being kindâŚhe is scolding me like why did u cry when I told my family problemsâŚI had sympathy I cried thatâs it⌠Or why did u cry that u r not happily married like that⌠He blamed me twisted everything⌠I just shivered⌠I donât have any evidence and if I scold him a lotâŚhe will beg like he will never talk like thatâŚbut again that shit will talk⌠Since in past I felt pity for my abusers⌠And tolerated that for a very long time⌠I was just doing the same âŚI cudnt even realize whatâs happening⌠He was just like a beastâŚtorturing me for video call⌠Misusing my innocence⌠I didnât call âŚhe says just want to c ur face like thatâŚhis mind is disturbed like that⌠But I was so helpless⌠I begged he was a beast⌠At first he made me talk something sending obscene videos⌠I didnât knw he has those chats or not like thatâŚjust by saying suicidal he does all these shit⌠And blames me⌠When I told he was physically abusing me he was blaming me that I was mentally abusing himâŚand will beg that he will die if I tell this âŚhe was like a psychoâŚnarcissistic⌠Made me take responsibility for his sick mentality⌠I was trying so hard to safeguard myself from all these beasts⌠If I scold him a lot he scolds me and says ur parents are weak and no one will believe u talked for sympathy or u r happy with ur husband I will not disturb like thatâŚclear abuser mentality⌠I am scared he might throw acid like that⌠I just blocked and stayed awayâŚstill he sends email and in my spam I saw emails of him sending question papers⌠I have stopped going to that institute even⌠After several months of trauma again he is sending notesâŚand he himself thanking him âŚhe is sending email as cc attached to me along with few more ppl⌠He was trying to get a loophole⌠I knw âŚI hate seeing his name even⌠I hate such a disgusting creature⌠I became so careful⌠I noted down all red flags and I thought I should never trust anyoneâŚand should be professional like that⌠I am scared of ppl like these⌠He is scolding me for not blocking him âŚbut he wud av been the one to av forced me to do that⌠Begged like thatâŚI donât av any evidence and everything was like he asks help from me to correct his English paragraphs and in that he will send his family problemsâŚsuch a shit he is⌠I hate being kind and not valuing myself âŚI am fine by protecting somehow but should I die? He is torturing me so much⌠He is saying u have husband I donât av anyone like that⌠I canât bear him⌠Right now because of a guy like him I feel worse⌠So suicidal⌠I am losing so much trust⌠After noticing every red flag ⌠I used to advice so many ppl to not get into these trapsâŚbut somehow I was in a mess⌠Somehow I escapedâŚbut these ppl are worse⌠I cudnt even study the torture I faced ( come video call come come come) like thatâŚeverything was worse⌠At first itself I told my husband he was so immature⌠He wasnât helpful⌠I shudnt av felt pity and shud av called police or should have blockedâŚmy mistakeâŚhe even says his ex scolded him saying he misbehaved with her in the image of teaching her⌠And he asked he looks at his sister in a bad way and if that is wrong⌠Omg âŚhe is such a shit⌠And I was so innocent to have felt pity⌠Its all my parents fault⌠Even my husband when I told I want to learn self defence⌠He used to support rapistsâŚhe was like they had no place to goâŚits better to cooperate than to get angry and get urself harmed like thatâŚwat sorta shit these pplâs mentality isâŚ
This staff was like a girl leaving a guy is worse than a woman getting raped⌠If he gets raped he will enjoy like thatâŚI hate beasts like these mentalityâŚI never watch obscene videos in my mobile I just have studies related apps⌠I was a nerd⌠But when these ppl sent smthnâŚI slightly got poisoned and carried away for a bit⌠I trusted so much⌠Didnât expect âŚI got freezed⌠I had past abuse side effects like cudnt set boundaries⌠EtcâŚeverythn bought me into a messâŚSomehow I am trying to protect meâŚatleast after all these I am in one piece⌠I never allowed any shit to touch me âŚbut I have trauma⌠I am scared⌠I canât be sure of my safetyâŚI feel suicidal ⌠I am scared of protecting myselfâŚI hate when ppl were so cruel and I still feel pity and cudnt punish themâŚatleast I want to be bold and protect myself from further abuse⌠The trauma is worse⌠Nightmares of every incident is worse⌠I guess every guy is badâŚthey were watching some shit and showing their beast quality to some innocent and blaming them laterâŚI donât even know to whom to open up everythingâŚeven regarding this staff I told my parents and husbandâŚmy parents scolded me and told u r bold nothing happened⌠We had shit ppl like that in house leave thisâŚblock that person never talk to him again ⌠U shud av told us before like thatâŚmy husband as usual didnât mind⌠After me crying and opening up to my parents and husband they understood me and are protecting me and are also supporting me in studies. But still they are feeling burden to av a girl child like thatâŚI wanted to be bold hereafter⌠I read somewhere like undealt childhood abuse will have some side effects like 1) difficult to set boundaries
2) low self esteem
3) people pleasing
4)attracting abuse again
5)needs external validation like that⌠And when I read so much about the side effects and trauma⌠I understood a bit how to heal myselfâŚthese seem like wounds time doesnât heal⌠I want to be normalâŚI Dono if i can smile again⌠I feel so victimized⌠Everything is triggering my abuse and I just cry a lot.I want some psychological help⌠I get so many suicidal thoughts⌠I hate myself for being too obedient, tolerating abuse, not being bold, naive etcâŚMy parents and husband never allows me to speak up even if I m right⌠But somehow I am speaking up a lot now⌠I feel I learn lessons and I can become strong in one side but in another side I feel scared. I Dono what to hold on to to live in this cruel world
I donât like being alive actually⌠I feel quite jealous when many were achieving and I am finding it hard to survive⌠I hate those beasts smiling and abusing other innocent againâŚbut nothing is in my handsâŚI can just protect myselfâŚ
Without doing any mistake all these years I carried guilt shame anger and pain âŚI cudnt even share anythingâŚI just ask this question should I die todayâŚwhat If someone misbehaves again⌠How to dieâŚI dont want to try dying and fail in that and be a burdenâŚthat will be worseâŚlike that I have very little hope⌠I wanted to raise upâŚbut somehow ppl are stamping on me⌠I feel extreme suicidal but donât even have the guts to do thatâŚsome small part in me says I will fail in my suicide attempt n it will make everythn even worse⌠A wrong decision can never be a right thing to do⌠I am scaredâŚI just want to be safe
I hate my mom who still asks me to attend my cousinâs marg or his sonâs bday partyâŚhow can she do thatâŚI am telling I canât see themâŚshe is not even understanding thatâŚthose two cousinsâŚtried misbehaving with my another cousin and my younger sis tooâŚand there are several complaints on them⌠But how the hell could my mom ask me to talk to themâŚevery time I see them the trauma is worse⌠My parents were not even understanding thisâŚ(if we scold so much my cousins might die outa shame since they have a family now and its a sin) they have not raped meâŚso my parents were like so good to my abusersâŚ
But it feels worse to me⌠I am shivering and have very low confidence âŚn its like if someone blames me even though its not my mistake I am feeling bad
I Dono how many more side effects I have⌠I Dono if I am fit for civil services⌠But I wanted to be in a respectable position and help several other victimsâŚeven if I donât clear the examâŚI will help those ppl in some way or other⌠I am working hardâŚstudying a lot on self helpâŚbeing awareâŚlearning psychology etc etc
I dress in a decent wayâŚI never go outâŚstill I get misbehaved and still I get blamed⌠Now for the last âŚI am going to have a very great boundary with any genderâŚand I am going to not trust anyone and in future have to learn self defenceâŚ
: I Dono if this will be read by a psychologist⌠If its read by oneâŚplease help me deal with my trauma. It will be helpful
Ana Banach @johnthejohn
Dear Anonymous,
The fact youâve stayed as strong as you have through this is incredible. You may think youâre weak, and you have no chance, but thatâs on the contrary. Youâre understandably scared. Your parents seem unsupportive. Your reputation is less important than your safety, though.
I canât think of any reason to feel pity for the beasts. They hurt you.
This may be very hard, but please try. Try and think of a life without your terrible past. Imagine you are your parents everything, the beasts are more like playful dogs, youâre married to whom you want and you have an incredible job. Everyone you know just wants you to be happy.
Try and see the good side in all of your tormentors. Try to avoid them, too.
The last thing anyone wants is for you to die. A lot of people in your life seem toxic, but I bet all of them love you.
Try this: Make a list of all of the people who love you, even if you donât love them back.
You are bold. You are very bold. This world believes in you. If it comes down to it and you kill yourself, weâll be with you through death.
A lot of people you donât know, just about 1 billion out of 7 billion people on Earth, will be there for you. Always.
If it DOES come down to death, before doing it, maybe try coming to the US? Assuming youâre not already here.
The therapy here is better. You seem to know enough English to talk with someone from the United States over video call or, when Coronavirus is over, you can actually come for a visit and meet some.
Americans are very fragile to this stuff because weâre so accustomed to a perfect life. Reputation isnât much of a thing here.
Itâs your choice, all of these things. Nobody can tell you to do things that you feel uncomfortable doing.
Stay strong, please please please. But understand we will support you if you loose that strength.
Best of luck.
Ana Banach @johnthejohn
Side note, I have a history of being somewhat suicidal. So leave or take my information.
@johnthejohn⌠I am that anonymous person⌠Thanks a lot for your comment⌠It means a lot⌠I will be strong and try not to let ppl make me do anything I am uncomfortable⌠I will remember this ( I keep forgetting this or valuing myself) âŚand regarding therapy⌠I am taking some good paid therapy here and its so worthyâŚas my parents or hubby say (they say I can forget and move on or I need not need any therapy) but real therapy with therapists who understand child abuse and all was so different and making me aware of everything and helping me in my healing processâŚI am doing online therapy right now in chats with trustful sources with a female therapistâŚshe is helping me so well⌠(I am doing that behind my family) because they arent supporting for therapy⌠I am using some of my saved moneyâŚI donât regret it⌠And my safety is more important than my reputation I understand that⌠And as you told i knw there will always be some people to like me⌠I will try to work on myself⌠I will try visiting US or getting some help from them⌠I am already taking some steps⌠My therapist here is helping me⌠And I found few more help from people abroad⌠I will do one at a time⌠I believe I can heal myself slowly at leastâŚand I will try my best to never feel pity for any abusersâŚthey are inhumaneâŚand you said you were suicidal in the past⌠I feel you will be fine and work on yourself tooâŚthanks for everything
Oh my god,i have no idea how are still surviving after going through all that! You are so damn strong for this world you have no idea. I feel so bad for you. I want to help you somehow. I am shaking even reading about you. I have no words. After reading this i feel ashamed being a man,even tho am only 19. I hate this so much. Am so sorry for you. You donât deserve this at all. You are so damn strong you have no idea. Please get help from somewhere you canât live like this, try to do something like getting a job in another country and leave these devils here please. Please take care of yourself. I wish i could help you. I feel so bad for you, no one deserves this type of treatment. Idk what to do. I want to help you somehow. I want to take you awat from there. Far away. And keep you safe. Iâm still shaking about it. I have so much respect for you, you are so strong i have no words. Pls keep talking to me about your problems maybe i can help a lil
