I have been having problems with everyone around me for the last year or so, communicating is almost impossible for me and I am stuck in my head. I am fully aware of the fact that I have my walls highly built and I won’t let anyone try to get to me, yet I don’t know how to get rid of this mindset and get my life together. I am experiencing existinal crisis as well, and I have made myself believe that nothing matters.
Recently I moved out of my childhood apartment with my family, and I was thinking that new place meant new beginning. When I looked back at that apartment, I could see my childhood being spent there (although I do not have clear memories because of certain trauma). But exactly one month after I moved out, I woke up to the news of one of my relatives death. He had commited suicide in the same building. Now looking back, all I see is death, not innocent childhood. And it made me believe that nothing really matters, and I truly believe that I don’t have much time left.