Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

I have been dealing with mental health issues since i was a teenager, it really stunted my emotional growth and i know that trauma comes from my parents and their emotional negligence towards me, that led to the development of my self harm tendencies, just to control my emotions; sadness and/or anger, i used to dig my nails into my hands till i bled or cut myself . i don’t think they notices, they never did. it became worse as i grew up, i started to have full blown anxiety attacks and bouts of depressive episodes that my mother took me to a physician and i was prescribes anti depressants - mind you i did not go to therapy, because of the stigma that was around it, no matter how badly i needed it, i knew for a fact i couldn’t afford it because i am still a student and my parents would never let me. things eventually got better or maybe i got thick skinned, but those bouts are coming back again, i have been stuck at home, and i feel like every time i am around my family, in any moment however i feel i will be judged and a taunt will come my way, it is getting harder and harder for me, all the habits that i cultivated for myself have gone, i just cannot do it. i feel like they are taking out their anxieties and stress on me and if i try to tell them how i feel, i will very quickly be reminded of inconsequential my feelings are and how their problems and their feelings matter more, all those things apply to my sister as well, she says she wants to help but ends up comparing my traumas to what her friends had, and telling me mine aren’t that grave as theirs are. I am tired of everyone validating my feelings, i don’t need it. the reason i hold my tongue and not retaliate is so that i can get over with the situation and leave quickly. but everyone seems to making that as my arrogance, i am heavily misunderstood and i just want to leave. there have been times where they have made me hate myself enough to kill myself, because i feel like i am a despicable person who should be gotten rid off asap. that has affected a lot of issues with getting into a relationship, for instance- during lunch they started to talk about how evil and manipulative i am in front of me and then the very sentence they ask me to eat and take more food then continue on how i will be a homewrecker and will always drive a wedge between people. am i really that horrible ? this is coming from my birth parents and my siblings