Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

I had a breakdown at work. I was kicking a functioning ventilator and saying “Nothing works in this stupid hospital!” I am so tired of working here nothing works nothing works
Why that happened?
I had a 36 year old in ward with me ( ICUs are full so severe patients are also managed in suspect wards ). He honestly wasn’t that bad so he would talk to me during rounds and I would tell him he’s going to be fine . He showed his phones wallpaper , a picture of two kids. Then I said oh they are really cute , no worries stay strong u will be able to see them soon. He said then I’ll tell them about you , the doctor who saved me. Then we both laughed a little and I moved onto the next patient. But he deteriorated overnight and next day he was requiring a lot of oxygen and not maintaining saturation. Now I decided that he needs to be on a ventilator. And most govt hospitals today have the new PMcares ventilators and you know what these ventilators have in common? THEY DON’T WORK!! It’s really really sad. I mean I am not political or anything it’s just it makes angry and disgusted that there’s corruption when it comes to critical care in healthcare. I uh…used one ventilator it didn’t work and then I used the other ventilator still it didn’t provide my patient enough oxygen so I was helpless now ! What do I do? So I left my ward and began looking for an old Ventilators ( which didn’t come by PMcares) and found one in another ward. Now the problem is you can’t even take a pair of gloves without permission of the staff sister of that ward. So I asked the ward boy to take the ventilator and I told nurse of that ward it’s an emergency I need it. And she was yelling at me? It’s OUR VENTILATOR. , AAP PAGAL HO KYA? Aisi nai hota . I was telling her again and again my patient is dying , she said toh aap apne ventilator use kro , I said khrab h , she said toh theek krwane the na doctor how irresponsible.
Then I … thought for a second and I said Sister aapko pta hai…mera patient VIP patient hai…if he doesn’t survive then it’s all on you.
Then she got scared and gave us the venti
I ran to my ward and by the time I reached , my colleagues were just shaking their head like “no” I said No no no , I got the venti…i just need to intubate the patient…they grabbed me and said it’s ok it’s too late pls stop this. I just I started crying and had a breakdown . It’s not easy when you use young patients it’s not easy to work with bare minimum resources and
Still tryna save lives! It’s like going to a war without guns . Sigh.