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Anonymous

I feel very suffocated, I just declared to myself that I will be planning to end my life in span of three years – that is when I finish my university that caused me of all this. I’m a student, 22 years old, failed 20 courses in span of 4 years, which ended up making me stay another year, other than the one year i have left. Dentistry is the hell, and my family are the devil; I cannot escape them, I cannot feel that this is my life anymore, this is definitely a life-sentence trial made by devil so I can be in hell for the rest of my life.

I hate having arab parents who only think that their children’s bodies, future, life, and present is theirs, and not their children’s. I hate being forced to be in a major that I don’t think it’s suit to be mine, and that affected me a lot with my friendship with my bestfriend – former bestfriend; when I was battling to not kill myself, my former bestfriend ghosted me for 7 months last year, and I simply ghosted her for 2 weeks, where she was having a terrible situation with their family member being hospitalized, meanwhile I was fighting the urge not the jump from the window, ignoring all the sharp items, and being inside my room all the day, trying not to give in to my thoughts and actually jump.

And the result? My former bestfriend cut me off saying the worst things to me – being her friend only for shits and giggles, while she knows that I hate anyone say that, and the way she backlashed at me like how my mother does and do to me every day for 10 years now. She criticized me badly because god forbid me if I ghosted her for two weeks, while she ghosted me for 7 months and I was afraid that she was going to kill herself any moment as she kept coming for one day every now and then during these 7 months that she wants to kill herself. I would like to mention that she was a childhood friend, it has been around 9 years when we knew each other, but we separated for 3 years because of the miscommunication issues she has.

I always have miscommunication issue as well, but It’s because I cannot speak when someone is angry, I cannot speak when they look at my eyes, I cannot do anything, I feel paralyzed, and that’s maybe because I’m neuro-divergent. I need someone to tell me that either they want to talk or not to talk, I cannot understand if they do not want to talk or not by staying away from me.

Talking about my former bestfriend, and my hate toward my major makes me feel I actually want to end myself more, it’s kind of funny. It should make me feel better, but It is making me feel worse, It’s making me feel that I’m really the reason of being a failure, I’m a disappointment that I cannot make myself happy, nor anyone else.

Yes my words are all over the place, but I can’t really speak in a better way or manner.
So yeah. Please give me all the blame because I truly deserve it. I deserve all the hate, I’m the lowest of low, I’m a fucking scum, and I deserve to be dead. There is no way I’ll make any difference, I just need to kill myself, so everyone be in peace.

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1 reply
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Raj Chauhan @raj1403

Ask yourself is there really no way out??

There are many to be precise.
Breathe in calm your mind and please don’t be so sure that all the bad things in future have been stored to happen to you .

You need to stop depending on some friend even if she is more than 9 year old acquaintance.

You learnt a lesson that people change. Yes they do and you shall always have more than one friend to talk to.

Also the line where you said u have communication issue, i felt instant connect.

Yes that is true it really sucks when one feels misunderstood.

Come on champ u are in early 20’s
Just entered 20’s you have some much to grow as a person and explore than speak so heavy words about yourself.

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