I feel so helpless. I have come to a website to vent and let out my thoughts, use this as a diary to somehow make me feel better- to somehow help me in staying strong and healing myself.
I am tired of crying so often. I have shed so many tears this year- I have really forgotten how it feels to spend weeks without crying. I have.
I want to be happy again. I am in a constant battle with myself to make myself better - to feel better- to be stronger- to do things that will help me - and I am failing every single time. I can’t handle my emotions. There is a deep rooted sadness inside me which just finds its way out somehow or the other. No matter how much I try to run away from it or ignore it or let is pass through me, it has its way of catching up with me. And getting the worst out of me.
I have no one who I can talk to. Maybe I do - but no one I want to talk to. No one has ever understood or even tried to understand. No one who really wants to listen.
How did I reach here? Why am I in this position? What did I do to deserve it? Some part of me actually believes that I deserve this. I don’t know if I even love myself anymore.
I have never done anyone wrong on purpose and I have never been evil. I am at a position in my life where I can’t real call anyone my friend. Not a single person. Why is it easier to talk write about this anonymously and share to a random website I just googled than to talk to someone.
I have really hit rock bottom. I keep proving myself how strong I am for having taken so much. This lockdown due to COVID has tested my mental state to another level. My boyfriend who I don’t think is my boyfriend anymore because we just broke up. I got tired of asking him to care for me. Tired of telling him how hurt I am and how badly I need someone to hear me out and someone to listen to me. To care for me. How badly I need it currently. And how lonely this lockdown has made me feel. How disappointed I am in myself for not finishing anything I start. For how much its hurting me to be this crying sad depressed person. How much I am trying to get out of this and failing miserably and maybe just getting more sucked into it with each attempt. All of this never even reached him. Maybe my way of communicating was in anger but I did try telling it to him in other ways as well. Each time I felt dejected. It felt like I am hurting myself by expressing myself because it will not be acknowledged. He has his own problems going on and I am just being a burden to him by asking him for attention and love and a ear to listen. It was such a small basic ask - any girl would expect her boyfriend to be able to fulfill. But he really made me feel crazy for asking all this. He shut me up every time saying don’t give me stress- don’t start all this again. He had major stressful situations going on as well. But does that really justify him taking all this lightly and not showing me even that he wants to hear me out and is concerned? He wants to be of help.
This is the guy who has loved me more than anyone ever has. I know he did. But to have the one person you love not be there for you when you need them the most - even when they are themselves in a bad situation - is it too much to ask for ? Or am I living in denial? Nobody really loves someone for selfless reasons. Nobody really cares about another person when they have their own issues to deal with. Do they?