Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

I feel like I’m slowly losing the battle, i think I’m really a bad person. I feel bad for the people who know me. I’m not able to handle stress anymore. I tried my best to pretend but seems like i can’t anymore. I feel like an anxious coward, trust me this world doesn’t need people like me who are burden. I think I’m selfish for always making people worried whenever i talk. I don’t deserve good things since I’m just an ungrateful bastard because i know other people have it worse, i still have many privileges like having food to eat, roof over my head etc but here i am still crying over the situation. I feel like if I’m gone then everyone will be happy or atleast they’ll have less shit to deal with.
I know I’ve chosen this situation myself of dropping and many will call me crazy for that, that’s the reason i feel guilty for talking to even my friends because I’m no good. I feel like running in an endless tunnel which has spark of light somewhere in between but after that it gets even more darker.
When it comes to help others i always get this shot of energy out of nowhere but when it comes on me, i can’t help myself. It’s much difficult for me to ask for help, it makes me feel like I’m weak, beacuse I’m the one who should give my shoulder to others to lean on but i can’t be a burden to others, i can’t make them worried others I’ll feel more guilty and it will be difficult for me to forgive myself. Asking for help is that difficult that I’d rather die of stress and anxiety rather then saying that i need help.
I am scared of thinking about what future holds for me, people say change is necessary for growth but for me change is like some trigger to rapidly boost my anxiety which is difficult to handle. I feel like an attention seeker saying all this, and I’ll even second guess my life’s decision for a whole day or two after typing this.
I’m scared of people knowing me, and that’s the reason i push them away. I feel like no one will believe me, and that’s understandable cause i wouldn’t believe me either.
I’m scared because maybe I’m starting to feel like my life depends on this mere exam now, even though I’m getting good score but it’s kind of becoming a battle of life and death and I’m fighting to live. And that shouldn’t happen because that would be toxic.
I feel like i will always hurt others around me, so this is better if i don’t talk to anyone and maybe they’ll think I’m rude and egoistic and eventually start hating me but maybe that way they’ll be saved.
I feel like things will never get better, i hate getting anxious on the things which others handle easily.
I hate myself. I wish i didn’t.