Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

I feel broken. I lost my father a week back. He had been ill for the last 10 months but was getting better, last 5 days before his passing he was in the hospital and his health kept deteriorating. He suffered a heart attack and couldn’t survive. He was my life, the only one who mattered. My mother died 10 years back. I was the one my father shared everything with. I didn’t imagine my life without him. I don’t even know how to do this. I don’t know so many things. Why should I even live, everyone leaves, I’ll leave one day too, how does this matter. Why should I live like this, suffering and crying, I keep getting reminded of some memory with him and I break down. I don’t think I’ve completely realised it yet, the extent of it. I’m really anxious, more than normal. I just want to shut down. I feel like closing myself from everyone else. Everyone tells me I’m really strong but I’m not, I feel weak, more than I have ever felt. I feel I’m wasting my life and I’m useless, I don’t feel like doing anything, I try to watch something to pass my time or do some online course but I can’t get myself to do it. There have been so many deaths in my family, it angers me sometimes. My grandfather died too 3 years back. I hate that life goes on, everyone in my family is moving forward. I feel numb at times. I’m sitting with people, I may be talking, laughing too at jokes but I don’t feel anything.
I don’t know how to move forward, how to deal with this. I don’t have anyone left. I did have suicidal thoughts on the day he died but I promised him that I’ll try my best to survive. I’m not sure if I would be able to do that. I may just shut myself and immerse myself into this abyss of sadness.