Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

I feel betrayed.
We knew each other since 2008. He was my ex’s elder cousin.Wen my ex dumped me he came to my rescue.Everyone gave up on me except him. We used to have long talks n time just flew wen v were together.He became my most trusted friend over time ,just like my gardian angel.I had several bfs n flings n there wasnt anything that i kept from him. There were times wen v talked after 6months or a.year but are friendship just grew stronger n my trust in him deeper. Until in 2016 i first felt something more than friendship for him. We grew intimate in matter of time. I asked him for a relationship n he just said v shud not take that step as it might ruin r friendship.I thought he was right so i agreed. I moved to other city for studies there i had few crushes n flings n i continued with my life until he shifted to the same city in 2018 . We started getting closer again, spending more time with each other. I thought maybe this is it …this is our time to go forward into a relationship n i asked him again. But all he said was i love u n care for u but he was confused since my previous relationships never lasted longer. He said he wanted a marraige not a relationship n i was all ready for it but he never accepted me. Eventually i got to know about his maternal cousin …who he introduced me saying she is his best friend n they vl always be together. I was suprised to know about her since all these years sincen2008 i told him everything about me n i never heard a single word about this girl from him. I felt betrayed. Then over time i realised that he was lying to her about our relation since telling her the truth might hurt her. I tried confronting him several times but he wud always ignore my questions. Atlast wen i thot maybe i shud take a step back he dint pay heed to it. After few days i had a one night stand with my colleague under the influence of weed. It just happened out of nowhere. N that colleague happened to be one my crush i discussed with my bf.
I dint delete the chat with colleague n my bf ( i dont even know wether v were in any relationship since he never accepted it till then) happened to read it .Then the downfall began. He said i loved u n was about to propose you next month on his bday n now he felt betrayed. He had broken down. I was like all these years i wanted this relation n i screwed it wen i was so close to getting it. N guilt took me over. I felt sorry for myself n for his condition too. I was broken by his words but still i kept him above me. I did everything i cud to tell him that i never betrayed him. He was never ready to accpt me n whatever happened was a coincidence. I never meant it to happen. He was the last person on earth id ever thought about hurting n here i was seeing him drenched in tears. I was myself in no good mental condition but i had to hold him together so however depressed i was ,i was there for him, whenever whatever wherever he wanted me to be. Since april 2019 he abused me hit me abused my family n what not n what not. I gave him all the proofs he wanted . I shared all my passwords with him. I shared everything i had with him but he could never trust me again. But nontheless he never stopped having sex with me, be it phone sex ,video call sex or actual sex. Whenever i used to refuse to do it he used to abuse me. When i could take it no more n thought of breaking our relation he used to come crying n sobbing saying he is sorry n he doesnt have control wen he is angry n all that shit . N i used to give in thinking maybe its his mental health thats affected n me being a doctor shud understand this. I tried to support him in all ways possible. I went against my parents for him. One day he hit me infront of his cousin n wwasnt even sorry about it. Even she abused me asked me to get out of his house n he dint say a word. I decided i will never see him again…after a few days he did that same drama again…calling me several times saying whatever happens he will never leave me. When my parents came to know about us n my parents asked me to leave our home in a week. Instead of standind by my side he just left with that girl to another city n never came back. I visited him whenever i could get leave from my job.N i was blamed for that too that i cudnt stay with him wen he was depressed. I did everything i could to be with him hoping someday he might feel my love but he never did. Last week i talked to my parents n convinced them that i want stay in a live inn with him. When i informed him that m coming to stay with you he said dont come. He doesnt want to stay with me or meet me. N that their society is a covid containment zone n that he is afraid of Covid. Still i went there n to my suprise he was staying in a live inn with his cousin. They both started abusing me n my parents. I waited to talk with him n wen i finally could he was like whom did u ask before coming here. Go to ur colleague u slept with, whats ur relation with me. I said you had promised to marry me after a year or so. Iv been waiting for it. I went through all the hell you gave me just waiting that you will keep your promise. N he was like people change with time n i dont want to marry u now . Just go away from here. I cudnt take it…what i saw what i felt n what i heard there. Il said il leave tomorw morning n never return. He was ok with it. Then his cousin started abusing me n my upbringing out of nowhere. When i started retaliating i was hit with an iron pan on my head by her . When he came in between us she hit him too…n continued hitting us. N all he did was hold me down to the ground so that i cudnt hit her back. N all the things id shared with him my dark side since 2008 started coming out of her mouth as abuse…abuse to me my parents n my family…they video called my parents at 1am telling them that i was creating a nuisance. She was video recording me in my bad condition when i tried to get back at her but dint record when she was hitting me. N all this while he was there as a bystander. He did not say a word to her. I was shocked n felt betrayed to the core. My family got me back home that night itself. I dont know how to feel. I want to cry but i cant since m a doctor n expected to behave maturely. Since 2018 my life revolved just around that guy. I never had a plan B. I was so sure that it was real n that v would some day end up together i never thought of anything else. All i thought was how to keep him happy. I took up several things i never liked just coz he was interested n liked those things. I feel like someone has taken awayy lifes purpose. I Dont know what to live for. I feel so lost. I no confidence to go back to my work. I fear i might do something wrong that might cost my patient his life . I get anxious and start trembling when i get a call for an operation. Iv started becoming insomniac. I dont feel like getting out of the bed. My body aches but not more than my heart. I just cant take the pain anymore. But i have to behave maturely so all i do is stay awake n quite n see time pass by.