Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

I don’t want to say I love this boy, because I am unsure if that is what it is, nevertheless I’m still so caught up in him. This is going to sound really crazy and dramatic but hey this is anonymous and I want to write what I believe to be my truth. I met my first love in fourth grade. He made me laugh, he paid attention, we went on our little adventures. He “dated” my best friend in elementary school. I didn’t want to like him, but I thought about him all the time. He became my best friend. In 5th grade, I went to a different elementary school. I still thought about him, he was still in my heart. In 6th grade, on the first day of school, we ran towards each other and had a warm embrace. For the rest of that school year, we were best friends again. I still liked (loved in my mind) him, but never said a word. At this time he “dated” plenty of girls In our grade ( he never really bothered me, I didn’t think they mattered to him). In 7th grade, we just stopped talking for no reason. I was put in classes with the gifted kids and he wasn’t, we stopped hanging out. I thought about him a lot. Come 8th grade, he moves to a different school and he is fading out of my mind. In 9th grade, I don’t think I think about him ( can’t remember now, we didn’t go to the same high school). In 10th grade, I switch my high school and he is there ( I didn’t switch for him, but it didn’t go unnoticed he was there). At first, I was so excited and I thought I was going to have my chance with him. I realized I no longer saw him that way and cared for him. We became friends again and hung out with different. Never romantic, we actually had some sexual encounters but believe it or not, it’s not important to the story and this comes later. This was a lot but it’s important to establish a pattern. During the same year, I went out with this one boy for a little ( my first real kiss and BJ), and then it ended. I was upset but not hurt. The same year, I’d asked this one boy in my class, I never even considered, a homework question… from there he became a dominating force in my life for the rest of high school. We would facetime every day and talk for hours, however, it was extremely sexual. I admitted my feelings for him, he never admitted feelings for me, I acted so pathetic and would try to get him to date m or become my boyfriend. we just keep doing sexual stuff ( all over the phone) and talking on facetime until one day we got into an argument ( we did this a lot) and we stopped talking. This really really hurt me. He got a long time girlfriend a month later which really really really hurt. I switched high schools again ( not because of him, back to the first one) I felt so sad and lonely. I started partying and having a lot of sex with a lot of different people, never really dating anyone ( just fling here and there) throughout high school. I would try to reach out to him sometimes and it would be embarrassing. The more time went on the less I cared about him. I don’t think I really let go of him until we had a summer full of sex and I guess a mutual understanding and kind of friendship. I’m in college now, I’ve decided that sleeping around doesn’t really give me the fulfillment I’ve been looking for ( i am trying not to slut-shame myself in my head, but I’m honestly embarrassed at the people I let inside of me and what image I was putting out… all out of desperateness, I think if I actually enjoyed all of them it wouldn’t be bad, but I can’t help but be regretful). I’m a freshman in college, I have some casual talking and hookups the first two months… until I meet him. Our friendship was so volatile but the deepest thing I’ve had. It was us and then everyone else, I had other friends, he did not ( he was not a loser, but he considered me the person in our school worthy of his friendship ( I know, red flag but just listen)). He is the smartest person I know ( I know to you, my word does not mean much, but I guarantee you he is on the level of those who break the bell curve of intelligence)). I loved him because of his intelligence, we argued about everything all the time, but I think I enjoyed the challenge. He inspired me to be a better person. I quit nic, I’ve grown increasingly introspective, I want to be healthy, etc. He’s inspired me. Even when covid came we would talk every week, endlessly about everything. I forgot to mention that I told him, earl, yon in our friendship I liked him ( that caused issues) I told him I got past it ( even told myself) but I knew the truth. Goes without saying that he didn’t like me back. Fast forward to the end of our friendship, I went on a camping trip with him and his family to their vacation, it was an amazing experience. The dynamic between us is horrible after and BOOM our friendship ends explosively. I sent a “final email” and I am proud to say I have not really reached out since. Current update: I am in a relationship with this boy who is on paper perfect. I’m actually in Hawaii with him for the holiday. He is everything I think I would want but I don’t feel satisfied, I don’t know if it is me or him. I felt “love” with those boys before but I don’t feel this with him. I want to love him because he “loves” me. I thought the last boy was expelled from my mind, but he has been coming up recently and I think I miss him. I hate him and love him (I think, I thought I did with the boys before but). I know a lot of this was rambling, but I hope someone can help me make sense of my love life. I crave love and I fear I will fall into a loveless relationship or a one-sided love life.