I don’t want to be brave any more. The struggles I have been going through since the last one and half months have left me mentally and physically broken. Severe depression, chronic insomnia, PTSD, suicidal ideation, crippling panic attacks are things that happen every single day. And the current circumstances - the second wave of Covid - it’s just made everything worse. My uncle who was a Surgeon passed away two days back. He was diagnosed Covid positive on 22nd April and was in the hospital for two weeks but his condition was stable and we weren’t expecting something like this.
I can’t deal with the loss - it feels so abrupt and I have these flashbacks of the terrible things that I’ve gone through in the past.
It’s been years since I had been staying away from my parents in another city in a different state but because of Covid I am stuck at home since last two months and I don’t know when I can go back to my own place. This isn’t a place l can call “home”. I have had some of the most terrifying experiences at my parents’ place in the past and that’s why I never come back for more than a week or two. But now I am stuck here and no one understands the terrible pressure I’m going through. My Dad thinks if someone dies you simply need to accept the reality and deal with it. But then how do you do that in one moment, in one day? How do you shut out your grief and behave as though nothing has happened?
I am trying my best, my hardest to keep going but no matter how much I try, I can never seem to be doing enough. My parents think I am not making any effort to feel better, that I don’t want to do anything to improve my situation. And because my Dad knows I can’t tell him anything in the face or argue with him, he takes out his frustration on me. I am not blaming him for anything because I know my problems and mental health issues make it difficult to deal with me. But to be blamed for things that aren’t in my control makes me feel so helpless and insecure.
All I want is for someone to understand how tough it is to live through an hour, a day… I just can’t do this anymore. I never wanted to give up but now I am too tired… I can’t go on like this every single day. I desperately want to go back to my own place, to go away somewhere, anywhere and never look back
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