I don’t know what to do with my thoughts. I loved this guy, got married to him and now I can’t feel his love. There is a sudden loss of love. I have been working since 2014 till now and have never took a single penny from my parents for any of my needs. I was not sure if I would have ever felt okay with dowry or exchange of gifts, money and other things in concept of marriage but all this happened and I was okay till all this came out of my pocket. My father was earning so well before demonetization but our lives took a drastic hit when this situation came up. I always wanted to have a fairy tale wedding, not the part where my in laws be treated with gifts, money and what not but a wedding where me and my dreams come up true. Eventually, when the day of my wedding arrived, my father was out of every policy, every penny he had and I was under a loan of 3 lakhs other than my salary of 6 months. I told everything to my guy whom I loved but I think it wasn’t in his control or in his mind to hold onto the aspirations of his mother and himself in regards to the marriage. We got married in spiteful times of corona and hence things went awry. I never thought of it, when I was getting married that…I will fall out of love from this guy. I even liked his mother a lot before our marriage but with passing time, things took a turn and now I do not feel love for any of them. I spoke to my parents about my issues and my husband never came to get me back from my house. I was having sleepless nights, pain in chest because of what was happening, so when he came I decided to give my marriage a refreshing turn and wanted to make this all great again. I thought maybe now my husband will listen to all I have to say or he won’t keep on blaming me or my parents for things that went bad but things might never change. From the day I am married to him, I am feeling alone in this relationship and it always keeps on pushing me towards the suicidal thoughts. I don’t want to be here or at my parents home, I wanna run away to a distant place where no one knows me, I just don’t wanna be in this marriage or have pain that surrounds it. Constant checking of phone for message, call or a love text makes me agitated. I never wanted to talk about my issues with anyone because “ghar ki ijjat” but I did and now I understand that it doesn’t make any difference to talk about the issues with anyone. I seriously wanna die because that seems like the easy way to get rid of these issues.
I can handle pressure at work but I am not able to handle this stupid pain that I constantly feel in my chest. I am stuck with nowhere to go. My mind and my heart are telling two different things and I can’t choose between them. I wish I would have never fell in love. Love comes with huge amount of pain.☹️
