I donāt know how it happened, what triggered it and what made me take the most bold decision of my life but I broke up with him, not because I didnāt love him, I shouldnāt probably be saying love because that, from a 17 year old would sound silly but it was the truest thing Iād ever felt for someone. I feel really bad for leaving him alone. Heās all alone and I canāt stop thinking about it but a part of me is happy because I fucking mustered the courage to choose my career, finally! I wanna go out and I wanna go out alone. He loved me a lot to even leave his life here and come out with me, it felt like he wasnāt driven enough. It felt like a sort of burden, it felt like an obligation. I donāt know when Iām gonna go out but whenever I am, I wanna explore the world bya myself before I commit to someone, I wanna meet new people, talk to them and endure adventures and excitement all the way and I canāt already tie myself up to something I know i havenāt wanted. I love him and a part of me always will for how he has been with me, for how he has loved me but I think that this was it. Everything has a maturity period, this was ours, perhaps, mine! Iām happy I was able to take this decision on my own. For once, I felt powerful and heās played a major role in making me feel powerful. He has adhd, which of course complicates a lot of things and before i get into that, I wanna live my life, I wanna do things Iāve always wanted to, since the time I was 4 or 5. Iām okay and I know that Iām always gonna be okay. If itās about loving, I can love him from a distance too. I know he trusted me w himself and I did that too but I would be lying to myself if I were doing that, if I were in it. I am ecstatic because I know what I want, I donāt know how, but i am figuring it out. Love finds you at different stages of your life and stays with you, makes you familiar with the things you wouldnāt otherwise ever be, promises you the longest time possible but alas! Thatās never a lot and thatās how itās supposed to be. Heās the one who taught me what real relationships are like, what real people do. Itās not always about being mushy mushy, it has days of being upset, disagreements, arguments, shouting but you do have each other so thatās okay and you love each other but sometimes love isnāt all you want. You need to be known, you need to be given that space. He did that, I did that but it wasnāt working out for me in the future. I could just be with him for some more time and then leave him or leave him now and give both of us the time to heal. I know that, at any given moment in my life, Iāll be reminded of him, the memories, the sunflowers, the songs, the everything. Relationships donāt die, they evolve and so so you. Iām joyous that Iām not the same person I was a week ago back or a month back, Iāve matured and thatās what I love about myself. Some of you reading this might feel that Iām a selfish bitch who left one of the nicest people alone, and maybe I am but thatās okay because I know i wouldnāt want this in the future. I want more, I donāt wanna settle yet and my life hasnāt even started, I havenāt even had the opportunities yet and I wanna explore everything before I finally choose my comfort. I did it for me, Iām proud of myself. I know itās gonna be harder for him and I might really feel bad for a long while but I know heās gonna be okay, I just wish him love that stays, love that loves him even after knowing the complete him. Even if he says, he canāt trust someone again, Iām sure he will because life doesnāt stop throwing people and opportunities at you. You grab or you lose and that choice is what defines you!
Oh my god, ah, if any of you made it till here, Iām sending hugs! š¤
I fell in love when I was twelve. Iām 66 now and I can honestly say that every girl I ever met I compared her to that girl. Iām still in love with that girl. If I could have married her I would still be married to her. I saw her awhile back and my knees went week, she was fat (very fat)but to me she was every bit as pretty as she ever was. she was my first love. It wonāt go away.
I canāt believe youāre 66 and so brave to put it out here.