Insecurity

Fuck my friends

Breakup

I'm feel like alone

All friend are fake

Fake world

3am Thoughts

Why my friends leave me alone for no reasons? I'm so lonely 

Friends

Why don't my friends understand me? 😞 I don't want to get acquainted with those toxic people I removed from life once to come back in my life but they are now my project peers and my bestie says I have to be professional and just attend those meetings with them. First of all those two persons are not mature enough one asks me every now and then to marry him also says I hurted him the most (just because I reject him everytime and I don't tolerate his unreasonable obsession) and second one is my ex best friend who used to talk bad behind my back to him and both made my depression triggered.. Now if they are not professional enough, how can I behave professional and after all this, I can't shrug that uneasiness wala feeling ugghhh.. 

I feel the need to vent, and I support and welcome any comments and suggestions... I feel exhausted, like all the time. I'm 26 and I feel like I wasted my entire life already, like I know I haven't but it doesn't feel like I'll ever get to have the experiences I really want, like, I've never even been to a party, do house parties not exist anymore? Yea I know Covid has that shut down right now but still even before then. I used to have a good group of friends and we all hung out on Discord playing games and D&D together, but due to multiple reasons I don't feel comfortable playing D&D with them anymore and it's given me less and less of a reason to be around them. I like them, for the most part, but I feel so unimportant to all of them that it doesn't even matter I haven't been in the chat for like 8 months. My other group of real world friends (whom I only met about 5 years ago) I honestly cherish more than anything else, but I feel more like an outsider than their friend. I know it's probably wrong, but I feel like I only get invited to things as a side thought. I hate myself so much, and I think it leads to me isolating from everyone all the time, and I go through these phases of getting over that and hanging out with everyone like everything's fine and then I vanish for month's. I worry about the days where I finally decide to isolate myself from the people I know in real life, cause I for sure will kill myself... I'm not trying to cause alarm for any who are reading, I really am in a good place and honestly one of the best mental health stages of my entire life. But if nothing else, others would describe me as shrewd and to the facts, and I honestly believe if those days come I will kill myself, so I'm trying to figure out what I need to do to turn my life around to stay away from that. I like my job, but it could be better. I live with my parents, but I'm saving up to try to buy my own place. I have a girlfriend but that's extremely complicated right now. I'm so tired of being alone on weekends, but I'm terrified to ask people to hang out with me. I feel like I missed the "party" stage of college and high school and now I don't know how to go out and make friends. I started going to raves with my a few of my friends and unsurprisingly that spiked my anxiety levels to a point I didn't even think possible, like I consider myself a pretty chill guy, really laid back go with the flow, all cool baby, and here I am having literal panic attacks at a silent disco (for those who don't know its  a small silent dance floor and everyone is given headphones to jam to at their own leisure) and it doesn't help that I feel like an outsider even with the people that are there "with me". There's a lot of times I hope and pray that reincarnation is real so that when I die, I can get another chance and hopefully not fuck it up again, and I get this feeling of being stuck, like, I don't expect to die of natural causes for like 60 years, and I'm gonna try VERY hard to stay away from jumping off a building, if for no better reason than that if I do, and heaven and hell do exist, then I probably won't end up in the same realm as my kitten that I had to put down last year.... I'm not trying to write a sob story, but it hurt... And she felt like a reason for me to get my life on track and fix everything, I was actually extremely motivated to change for her, and then she had to leave... And now I have nothing.

Anyways I think that's all I have to say, I think it helps to just have my thoughts written down and exposed to the world, so feel free to comment or don't.

Overthinking

I texted 1 -2 of my frnds for some financial help and with the promise to return back.  They turned me Down they didnt Even replyed. Are this people really Friends .

Life

Why I am so unlucky when it comes to friends as I don't have any still now when you have been always misunderstood and taken for granted as you are not beautiful  also no one's talks (yes people are there like that who see how you look and take your side) atleast one friend to talk about anything , but still how much you have tried you didn't get any ...it feels sad and want to cry...

Depression

So in the past I used to be a toxic person and talk about my friends and get jealous of their accomplishments and items and stuff and I admit it was bad but I learned my mistake and fessed up. I felt like a terrible person for saying all that stuff about my best friends and when I told them they were glad that I told them but they dumped me anyway which I can understand. Only my best best friend stayed with me because she wanted me to become a better person and help me out with it which I am really grateful for. But it's kinda hard without them because I hate whenever I go onto social media like for example discord and tiktok and see all of them with matching bios and pfps and everything and it makes me so sad because I could have joined them but they hate me now I think. My best best friend stayed with me but we don't really talk much that much because she's talking to the other people in my friend group. If anyone is reading this does anyone know how I can become a better person and less toxic because I wanna get my friends back or make new friends and prove to them that I've changed but idek how :/

Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts