I can’t remember when they were together, 
Yet I got the hardest recussion. 

Confusion

I just wanna grab a knife and stab them all so that they can finally shut the fuck up! THEY ARE TOO FUCKING LOUD

Emotional Abuse

I want to share these things if someone could help me out to handle this. I have severe OCD, even though I have been diagnosed for the past three years. Still 1 am not seeing any improvement. But whenever the doctor asks me how I am feeling, by that time i feel i am fine. Do it After returning home, especially when i am alone or no one sees me, i behave like mad.
These are my symptoms I am facing i am always scared Or god or any devotional thing (either it is pic, or Songi hear, any temple near my place). i feel like my sitting or lying position Is directed towards any temple or god pictures..etc..so 1 Can't sit or lay down properly for more than second... slaps me and then Sit again.. Won't be satisfied. again gets up and slaps me and sits..again repeat the same thing too many times till i feel like crying. whenever i read a Book or watching tv or sitting idle or doing some office work, all of a sudden i get the god/ goddess pictures flashes in my mind. and immediately i imagine them nude and their private parts or having sex each other, even sometimes with me too.- so i feel guilty and stand on my reet and slaps myself and asking for forgiveness and crying and begging excuse of my sinful thoughts - and i don't be satisfied by doing this once or twice. I do it repeatedly till i get tired and always get thoughts of spitting on the god pics, always want to kick them with my feet - immediately i realized it and again asking for excUse repeatedly. I Heard in my childhood that 'Sani Dev' is the powerful god and punish us for any sinful acts. I always remembers the name sani' prompting that Sani, Sani, .if i want to do anything, i immediately get a thought of 'if i st like this, Sani will attack, if i do like that Sani will come...if i drink water, Sani, It i don't read this, Sani and i keep changing my positions, directions, repeatedly.. and i wanted to wash my legs properly and if i don't wash properly, 'Sani' will attack...soi repeatedly wash legs again and again and make sure no gapS.. if a single drop of water fall on my leg or even if i feel wet on any of my leg, i have to wash my legs fully, otherwise Sani.. repeatedly...repeatedly.. It became how severe it is, all my thoughts of God got replaced by Sani.. Yes... I am getting thoughts of spitting on Sani, Abusing Sani with bad words, having sexual thoughts with sani... feel like if i get some thoughts of any other god like this, somehow could ask for forgiveness and relief. But getting
 these thoughts on Sani Dev are like hell to me... I really don't know how to pray how much I should beg for my abnormal thoughts. And thinking about over cleaning repeatedly washing hands .especially when Iam in periods, I literally change my dress at least 5 to 6 times in a day and even though if i wash my hands face properly, still i get the doubts like if there is any stain earlie..and i shouldn't touch there, my clothes shouldn't Touch there, so immediately remove that dress and 1 shouldn't be touched by myself by those clothes, so i wash repeatedly again and again.. I can't stop washing Tany water arops spll over irom the wash basin,, AlsO I repeatedly clean the things lIke chair,sofa..etc. thinking that my period stains touch that place, if i place my mobile or any object by mistake at that place, i do wash them TOo repeatedly.. even clean the things though they are not touching directly also..Ike It should be cleaned or any other object which is in contact of any other object that again which is in contact of that used clothes or anything like a chain (though there are no stains at all. am really tired of doing all these things on the whole day, i am unable to sleep properly, feeling to commit suicide, whenever i see high buildings, places...i desperately wanted to jump over it.. am still taking the medicines for this, still i am not happy With the treatment. am really fed up of taking pills from so long time and want to stop.. .hats why i am cheating myself and telling that i am Tine to the doctor and to my husband (he literally frustrated with me, he is getting angry if i tell him that still i have problem or it i am not fine)..
I always want to punish myself for my thoughts, Scared of each and every moment in my life, scared of the next minute of my life thinking something bad may happen...it is disturbing my work life, personal and family life.. Please help... please help..

Mental Illness

I keep on wasting my time and days ... I have wasted 2 months . I feel like crying


Success

How do we tell the sea that we are drowning on land ?

Depression

I honestly don't know where I belong. I'm just clueless this moment in this world. 

3am Thoughts

it gets better. 

wow everything just feels like a bit of a blur

Anxiety

Sorry this is long and depressing, it mentions abuse and depression and suicide and self harm and stuff so be careful reading. 

I hate myself so fucking much. I am honestly nothing more than  waste of space and oxygen. Shouldn't someone better be alive instead of me? All I do is hurt people, hurt myself, i get a rare chance at something good and what do you know, I fuck that up too. I wonder why I can't just die. I used to think "no, because what about all the things I'll miss out on?" Now I think, at least I can't be left out this way. I am so fucking sick of everything!! It's all so fucking fake and deceiving and I just can't take it any more. The only reason I'm not cutting myself again right now is because I'm so fucking lazy and it's cold. How pathetic is that? How utterly wrong am I? I hate this thing that I am and I don't know how to change this thing that I have become. Every night before I go to sleep I have memories that I have crushed down. It gets too intense and it hurt and I just hate that something so fucking dumb is my downfall. I got bullied, so what, doesn't everyone at some point? But what happened to me was different, all the mental abuse, the fake gun against my head, the way you had to act a certain way, they'd exclude, and manipulate they changed me so fucking much they got into my head and made me a monster but isn't that my fault? I let them in after all. I was a kid when I got to that school, just 10 but when I left 3 years later I wasn't a kid anymore I wasn't even a person. It's just not far that all these years later it still haunts me. How they hurt me. The people that they convinced me to hurt for them. All of it. It torments me and I can't sleep when I do it's nightmares and I'm having trouble telling the difference between the truth and the nightmares that never leave me alone. Why does something so fucking dumb still hurt me?? I hate me!!! 

I just want to die. There are so many ways I've thought to die, so many different options that I have already tried. Drowning. Suffocation. Cutting. Maybe next attempt I'll jump into traffic, off a cliff like one of my friends tried, or I'll have too much of my medication. That'd be ironic. I hate how dark I feel how dark I am. It's like a weight on me and I don't know how I'm still breathing. 

Everything is so different from what I thought it'd be. I just need something else, something more than this hell that I'm in. I can't stand it anymore. All of my jealousy. All my rage, the PTSD I can't handle it!!

Everyday is the same. I hide, I hurt, I try not to cry. I do all the cleaning because no one else will, I try to do my school work but i fail every single time no matter how much I try and it just hurts why aren't I good enough?? I do my best but it's never ever enough and now I just can't stand it any more I just want to say goodbye and leave I don't know what to do. I can't. I just can't anymore. 

I want those happy memories, those cliche ones that the teen movies promise, I want to do dance competitions like my friends, I want to have a boyfriend or a girlfriend I want to have friends at all, I want to find a romance, go to the school dance, go out and do dumb shit, I want to break laws and drink at a party I just want to have fun and do everything we are meant to do. Not this. You want to know what this is? It's crying on my bed. In a fluffy pink blanket in autumn at 3:30pm in the school holidays thinking I'm sorry that I'm so pathetic and stupid and just not good enough. Why the hell am I like this? I just want those happy memories. I don't want to keep running away and crying on the side of the highway listening to depressing songs because they say what I feel better than I ever could. I want to be able to smile and mean it and have fun and be invited to parties and have people think I'm pretty or think about me at all I just want so damn much. But i have none of it. 

Maybe I'm being pathetic. jealousy, greedy. But everyday I'm so fucking scared. And it hurts so damn much. I don't think anyone understands me. I wouldn't be shocked if no one reads this or comments thinking I'm crazy. Maybe I am? Who knows. I just want things to be different. I want to go on holidays and just breath and find myself. I want an adventure. I want fun. I want a good difference. 

I don't know who I am anymore and I just hate this. I understand these songs too much https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xTmaY4EsmG8 and https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wRX7VgDxtfI and so many other songs. I just feel like such shit. This is my last year of high school, where are all those memories and happy times I was promise huh? Where are they? Because I can't take much longer of crying and cutting and just pretending things will be OK. 

I'm turning 18. The closest I've had to romance is sexual abuse and heartbreak. I've never been able to do anything fun and reckless. I have no money and I'm not allowed a job. I can't do my dream of dancing in competitions. I'm alone. I feel so lied to and hurt and I just don't understand anything. Aren't I supposed to be happy by now? It's been 5 nearly 6 years and nothing has changed, I'm still hurt and scared and debating suicide. I just want to scream out "please someone save me because I can't save myself anymore." So if anyone has any ideas, I'm listening. Thanks for reading this. 

Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts