I am very sad and confused. I am in a serious relationship with a man for the past two years but I am not sure if I want to marry him. He is very kind, affectionate, loving and charming. Apart from this, he is also very serious about his work but despite his dedication and hard work he is unable to make it big (although I have faith that he will). Now, I must also mention that he is the sole breadwinner of the family with 3 dependent members and so, sometimes, he is unable to make ends meet. Often he borrows money from me albeit with a lot of shame and guilt. So far, I have lent him what I would make in 6 months. Now I know that he really needs that money but I can’t help feeling sad over the money that I have lost. He says that he will return me all that money by buying something expensive for me but honestly, I just want the cash. I earn quite well and have no liabilities and so I would have saved a huge amount by now had I not lent him the money. I feel very guilty for letting such thoughts creep into my mind but I can’t help it. In the long-term is this a red flag? He had also borrowed money from me previously but in lieu of that, he took me to an all-expenses-paid trip to settle the score.
Secondly, our cultures are very different. He belongs to a lower-middle-class family. His family members are not so well-educated, he is the most educated member of his family. This clearly reflects in the way their household runs. On the other hand, I come from an affluent family. Both men and women in my family are highly educated and this is quite evident from our mannerisms and social conduct. Now the question that looms in front of me is, “Will I ever be able to adjust in his family?” With all due respect, marrying him would be a downgrade for me both socially as well as financially. Is it wise to make such sacrifices in the name of love? Will I ever be truly happy in their family? He assures me that his family would be very supportive of my career and they would shower me with a lot of love but I feel that I would really be out-of-place in his family.
Lastly, he is 4.5 years older than me and yet I am more successful than him both academically and financially. Now neither of us has a problem with this but my family would certainly raise this point for which I have no comeback.
With all this being said, I would like to emphasize that I really love him. I have gone to great lengths to prove my love to him. He also loves me a lot and even says that I have settled for less (saying this takes a huge heart). He wishes to reach my standards (academic and financial) and is ready to put effort for that but he can only change himself and not his family. Our future plans and goals align with each other, and he is very serious about marrying me. But marrying him would mean a compromise on all the above-mentioned grounds. My question is: “Is it really worth it?”
Sanket @sanket
Is it really worth it? What defines your worth?
And there are lots of younger people than you who are more educated and successful than you, so such kinds of comparisons are sometimes unfair
Moreover, you say that you guys love each other genuinely and have a vision for the future together then I would like to ask can’t you put effort to make their manners match your family’s mannerism and social conduct? Do you have that ability? Usually, females possess a great power to bring a massive change to the house where they settle after marriage, can you do it with the help of your partner?
One’s pocket can go empty in a matter of time, thought the important aspect to look for is that the person is trying. Not everyone has the ability to earn a hefty amount because of plenty of reasons
I think you should rethink from another perspective - what & how the changes can be brought into the family with the help of you both combined…
Thank you so much for your comments.
I am unsure if I can bring that change to his family’s mannerisms and culture because the difference is massive. The social circle of our families, contacts, people we know etc. are poles apart. To put it crudely, there is a major difference in our social and financial status and I don’t know if that gap can ever be bridged. With all this being said, they are very good people. They also want to broaden their horizons and prosper. But I feel that to match my family’s status what is really needed is a change of mindset which is difficult to inculcate because this is not something that is done overnight.
As for the financial aspect, I fully agree with your point. Money should not be the index to measure compatibility.
Sanket @sanket
Well before you think anything further, first decide what kind of thoughts you have for your partner, you need to be firm with your thoughts
I am very clear about my feelings for him. I love him. I knew all about his academic, financial and family status before we became a thing and I accepted him with all of that. I think a more poignant question here would be if I am willing to compromise on the social and financial fronts for him. I am not able to make a decision here.
Sanket @sanket
You seem to be clear with your mindset, however, you are not willing to compromise which is natural, no one likes to downgrade. You also realize that the change, the filling of gap won’t happen overnight, you seem to be wise enough then why do you lack the energy or will to try for bringing the change or adapt and make them adapt?
The gap cannot be bridged completely but can be filled decently, moreover, all the social status & money can collapse with a snap of time, one mistake and boom! it’s gone. The chances of falling down socially/financially after marrying into a reputed house are also high.
On the other hand, there is no falling down here, with proper efforts and patience you both can rise. First, you need to gather all the strength and understand why such double thoughts are coming in when you think about your future with your partner. I feel somewhere greediness is acting upon, no offence. Try eliminating such negative factors and think about the development, that you can bring along with your partner
Thank you so much for your motivating words. Honestly, when I started dating him I also had similar thoughts but quite recently I have divulged this news to my parents and they are highly unsupportive of my decision to marry him. The three fundamental reasons for their disapproval are: (a) he does not have a strong financial background i.e. he cannot afford to fail ever as he will always be stressed about earning money for his family, (b) his family background is conservative since his family is not as highly educated and they are also not modern in their thoughts, mannerisms and fashion and © he is the sole earning member of the family; his sisters are married but my parents speak from their own experience when they say that his sisters are still and will always be his responsibility - psychologically as well as financially. Since he is the only male member in the family, his sisters’ families would expect a lot from him (typical gifting customs in a Hindu family) and if I get married to him then naturally the onus of that responsibility comes on me too.
I respect my parents a lot and I cannot even imagine getting married without their blessings. When my parents, who only wish well for me, are discouraging me I have begun to get sceptical. Are they right? What if they are right? If they are right, then it would be like inviting a lifetime of problems for myself. I want them to be wrong but their experience of a lifetime can’t be overlooked.
Sanket @sanket
They are parents, they want the best for us. Of course, their thoughts are completely valid.
Being a sole earner will constantly put pressure on an individual. But this tells that the person has a high understanding of responsibilities. Moreover, money can be saved by compromising some of the fancy lifestyles, focusing on building a home and enough balance.
Somewhere conservative nature brings simplicity in life, no unwanted complications and issues.
You can be their guru and make them learn new things and bring improvisations
Somewhere I feel you are strongly connected towards money, social life, lifestyles, when one thinks of building a family several things are required to be sacrificed or need adaptation. I would again recommend you to think about how do you want things with this guy from here onwards. Think from all possible ways, a lady can be best help and the best lady to help you in deciding would be your mother
After having this discussion with you, I also feel that aspects like social status and lifestyle matter to me. There is no point in denying that I have had a very protected childhood with no dearth of resources whatsoever. I am used to a certain lifestyle and have experience of dealing with only a certain class of people in society. Adapting to a new cultural environment may come as a shock to me.
As for money, I don’t think it matters so much to me because I am financially stable and soon he would be too (he is already taking steps towards that and I am extremely confident that he will achieve this soon because that way he is very skilled and talented).
Well, if I discuss this with my mother, I know very well that she will discourage me from continuing this relationship further. She has already mentioned to me umpteen times that I am capable of finding someone way better than him. My parents are already getting “very good rishtas” (read well-settled, rich family, same social status, highly educated family, loving and supportive in-laws) for me. And naturally, my mother wants me to choose someone from these “good rishtas”. I have argued with her that marrying into any such “good” family does not guarantee a hassle-free life because everyone’s life has struggles irrespective of their financial and social status. She partially agrees with me but also goes on to say that marrying in the same culture (social and financial) gives one an edge while dealing with problems whereas dealing with the same problem in a new environment would be much more difficult. My mother clearly feels that if I marry him, I would be throwing away all comforts of life in name of love and would end up repenting my decision later in life. My parents say that through their struggle they have brought the family to a certain level and now I should strive to raise that level further rather than lowering my standards by marrying him. So, I don’t think my mother would be of great help here.
Sanket @sanket
I totally agree that culture and lifestyle matters a lot.
Your mom’s point is also very accurate, a rich and modern family will set this base for you so that you can adjust with the least effort and will be welcomed by the other family.
It’s good to see that you are confident about his steps and his efforts, this guy really has something in him (perhaps I could learn something from him :P ). All I want to say is if you can mould this family into a new one then after 10 years, you will be happy and content with whatever you have.
I’m not eligible enough to contribute more here, sorry for that but a person who has been through a similar situation can open a few more aspects.
Hoping that during all this, your current partner does get hurt, that would be really really painful for him :(
Thank you so much for taking out the time and engaging in such an insightful and lengthy discussion.
As for changing his family, I will have to give some serious thought to this. This is not going to be an easy task. The process will be painful for both parties.
The major force that is stopping me from ending this relationship is the love between us. It is going to be excruciatingly painful for both of us to call it quits. We both have envisioned a future together. All our present decisions leading to our future are entwined around each other. Even if I decide to end this relationship, it would never be because we stopped loving each other. I would only want the best for him whether we are together or not. But with all this being said, my parents’ opinions and blessings also matter to me. For me, my parents and my partner are at the same level. At this point, it is really about choosing between the two and I don’t know how I am going to get myself out of this emotional conundrum.
Anyway, thank you so much for your time and help. I did not want to discuss this with friends or family because I wanted an unbiased opinion and you really have been a great help. Thank you so much for a wise and engaging discussion. God bless you.
Sanket @sanket
It is sad to even to read about such a relationship coming to an end :(
Uh, you must be well aware of the fact that growth always comes after stepping into an uncomfortable zone and tackling the troubles. Hoping that you somehow find a way to have a future with this guy and be happy with both families.
It would be sad seeing you parting away…
Yes, success tastes sweeter when it is earned with hard work. I am ready to work hard. I just hope my parents agree to this alliance.
We will try our level best to make this work. We will move mountains to convince my parents.
“No one can change fate. What is meant to be yours will always remain yours”. I hope we win this battle.
Even the mere thought of separating brings tears to my eyes. I hope I never have to see this day ever.
