Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

I am suffering from anxiety disorder. I don’t know for how long I was unaware of all the symptoms. I don’t for sure even know what is the reason for this…there are so many things that can be the reason. I have toxic parents. My dad and I were never really close, despite how they say girls are close to their father. As a child I was always jolly. I was an extrovert, loved to participate in different extra Curricular activities while also maintaining my grades. But I was always made feel guilty for that by my own father. My elder brother was an introvert so I was constantly been compared to him about how quiet he is and never does anything irrelevant. I quit everything I loved to do…dancing, painting etc. As I grew up I realised I’ve become an ambivert. There is a constant fight inside of me between the old me who wants to do something and the Person I’ve become over the course of time… because of wanting to be the favourite child. I was made of infront of random relatives by my own parents! I was a child and all that caused really bad effect on me. I have social anxiety. I’ve lately realised I am also dealing with imposter syndrome too. There is always a feeling of self loathe. Maybe because of all the childhood memories where I was never appreciated and it made me feel so useless. I always have this constant feeling that I am such a fraud and that no one loves me. I was being scolded for small things and that’s the reason as an adult I get scared when someone raises their voice(even if its on someone else). I was blessed with some good friends. Or at least that’s what I thought… My friends became toxic too. I realised I was always made to feel insecure about myself, my looks, my knowledge, my choices etc. I was body shamed! I managed to call off my friendship with them, but somehow I ended up being lonely. There are people in my college who I talk to but somehow i don’t feel like we share the same vibe. I have a childhood friend, she’s the only person I opened up to about my anxiety and imposter syndrome, she however didn’t seem to realise that it’s a real thing and that it’s so difficult for me to go through this phase. I feel like i am dealing with my anxiety all alone with no friends, no one to even talk to. I am not allowed to step foot out of the house for unnecessary reasons( like wanting to meet a friend, get some new exposure etc) I asked my mother whether I can join a boxing class and she straight away denied. No reasons whatsoever! She knows about my brother’s girlfriend and is not very happy about that, but still loves him no matter what. But when I asked her about wanting to go outside to meet a ‘guy’ friend, she said and I quote ‘Do whatever you want you’ll also end up doing what your brother is doing’ ( girlfriend and stuff and how I’ll bring shame on our family if I go out to meet a guy friend!). She still has nothing to say to my brother about anything! She knows he drinks, smokes, has a gf but somehow i am the black sheep. I love my family, I love my parents, my brother… And they love me too… But sometimes all these behaviour is just overwhelming for me. They don’t realise they are causing so much pain to me. And I absolutely have no idea what to do.