Home / Thoughts / I am struggling. Im 14 and in yr10 doing my first...

I am struggling. Im 14 and in yr10 doing my first year of GCSE’s over live lessons and I’m finding it hard to actually understand what the teacher is saying. I feel like I’m not learning anything over these lessons and i sometimes lack motivation to do some pieces of work. It’s just all so tedious. My grandad on thursday just found out he has bowl cancer which has spread to his liver and that it’s terminal. The thing is though like a week before he was completely fine and it wasn’t until 2 days before where he said he just felt a bit bloated and had pains in his side so my mum told him to book an appointment at the doctors which he hates doctors and to go and get his covid vaccine. His vaccine was for Saturday but on Thursday morning we have been doing up his new house he is going to move into when he collapsed on the stairs and my aunt and uncle who were there called an ambulance. I was on a lesson when my mum came crying downstairs which she rarely cries. She said he had been taken into hospital by ambulance so we knew something was wrong or he wouldn’t have allowed them to call one. I’m panicking inside but I’m trying to be brave for my mum and younger sister. We hear barely anything other than he is having a load of tests done. Later that evening he got sent out and we arranged for him to stay at my aunt and uncles house because he was temporarily staying in his sisters partners house on his own. But instead of going straight there he called my mum and said he was outside and that it was bad news and that me and my sister were to go upstairs. My dad has gone to bed because he had to get up early for work so he goes down and i can hear my mum crying downstairs. And at this point I’m thinking he’s going to die and it’s really bad and I’m stressing out and I’m scared but i can’t really let it show because my sister refused to go downstairs because i think she knew as well so my mum comes up whilst i goes up. And he looks bad he has the thing on his hand, he looks really weak and he has tears in his eyes and everyone is looking at me and I’m trying not to cry but I’m asking what’s wrong and he said it was bad and then he told me what it is and at this point i can see he has partly given up. He’s only 75 as well so not even too old and he was really fit and healthy to the point he was still working. And i hug him for ages and he is talking to my dad and uncle e hmm o are in the room and he is saying how he has quit his job now and lots of stuff about what they are going to do because i know the hospital is busy but they basically just told him that info then chucked him out of the hospital with only giving him 2 paracetamol as pain relief. My sister and mum have now come downstairs now and my sister is bawling her eyes out and i can see my mum is really upset. So i go upstairs and i try bot to cry because it brings the mood down and I’m really sensitive about how if i say how I’m really feeling and go into it everyone will feel even worse. I briefly have tried bringing certain things up but it just all goes really badly and ends in upset. He came round today and he was barely eating and the slightest movements would make him feel really bad he looked really weak and any mention of death even in tv programmes just the word makes me really self conscious of him and my family and I’m just really struggling. It doesn’t help that my nan(dads side) is also dying of terminal cancer and she looks really bad and i can’t see her because of covid and complicated situation between my mum and her but if she dies that would leave my dad with no parents because his dad died when he was 16 of cancer as well. And my mum is never in contact with her mum because she wasn’t very nice. And there is just so much death on both sides of the family more so than just my grandad(mums side) and nan(dads side). And i just feel like shit. And i have live lessons tomorrow as well and it’s just all so crappy and i feel like I’m breaking and lonely and talking to nobody helps.

Post anonymously?

I don’t know what to say sorry. I know nothing of what that must be like, but it sounds like hell. Look after yourself OK? Mental health first, education second. Because you are more important than facts. Have a long bath, read your favourite book, eat your favourite food. Just take it easy and talk to your grandparents and parents about it when you can. Even just send letters to them, it’ll make them smile, and hopefully you’ll feel better. I know death is difficult and it feels like you’re loosing people, but really they will always be with you and watch over you in their own special ways. <3