I am so stuck. I hate myself so much.
Tw: thoughts of suicide
Tldr: my family is so strict i have so reason to live anymore
This is so hard because i dont really hate myself, but i dont seem to love myself very much either. I am a creative but recently (the past few years) ive been so scared of making anything. Ive just been making little edits for my instagram but thats it really. These are the only things i can bring myself to do bc theres not much pressure. Recently i enrolled back into art school after a break and i managed to pick up a pen and brush for the first time in a while. I managed to make a legit sketch id even call it an entry for inktober and it is actually really pretty for someone with no practice. Then i tried to make smth again right after that but i couldnt even move my hand. In the back of my head it felt like something was telling me im not actually an artist, i cant draw, and i kept leaning towards that despite having a good drawing in front of me already. I couldnt finish what i started, i couldnt do it again. I dont know how to fix this.
The only way i know that can help me is a change of environment, a change of pace in general. I was able to draw and do all that once i got out the house and into a coffee shop. I know a change is what i really need, ive been thinking about it for so long now. But my family is so strict its actually killing me. Im 19 and they would never let me go out on my own. I have been trying to be gradual and slowly ease the concept of letting me commute and be independent into their minds, but nothing is happening. Theyre not budging at all. I at least want them to teach me how to commute but its just not in their priorities. I am so miserable i cant do anything. Ive tried everything i could to help me within the home, but i feel long gone. My heart is not in anything anymore and i want to die. I cant do anything for myself and all i am doing is for my family. Its not like my friends’ families like anything theyre doing either, they just dont care. Their families have no power over them, but mine does. I can easily rebel and i know that, but when i know they disapprove, when i know they are going to be sad, it would hurt so much id want to die. But i am already hurting now, its so bad. I have no reason to live anymore since im only living for them. The only reason im here is because of my brothers, we lost our mom recently. If im gone they would have to grieve all over again. Id feel so bad for my dad too, i think the whole issue is on how he is having such a hard time letting me go as it is. Everyone would have to grieve again. But what about me? I cant take it anymore. Please help me. I dont know what to do. Please.
Hey…are you doing any better now