Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

I am really confused and don’t know what to do. Any help would be really appreciated :)

So I met this guy on bumble a year back with not knowing exactly what I was looking for at the time. Met in the same city about 4-5 times and then lockdown happened so he went back home. As expected mostly on dating apps, the conversation did go in the direction of physical intimacy some of which happened in person and this continued online as well when we were away. I was attracted to him physically and is a great guy personality-wise too. And in retrospect, I think I might have put him on a pedestal by comparing him with the last guy I was involved with.

As the days were going on the plan was to somehow end up in the same city. Occasionally sexting was happening too I was okay with that too. But in the last few months, I realized that where we did talk about general stuff for the most part the conversation did end up going into the area of sexting. But again he was supportive and encouraging when I was tensed about finding a new job and he put forward the idea that we could discuss my job applications and process together. One time when I asked him the ‘What are we?’ question he said that " You can say we are dating/seeing each other", but he seemed very confused about it on the call and now in retrospect, I was afraid of commitment. So I suggested that let’s define us whenever we meet in person.

I have been away from my family for a while now but they will be moving to the same city permanently and would start looking for matches via the arranged marriage route. So I might have intentionally reduced contact with the guy in question. He got really pissed one day and said that you never initiate any conversation be it weeks at length and don’t prioritize me at all followed by other arguments. I realized that I have pushed him away and got really emotional and wrote him a big letter telling him how I am sorry for not prioritizing our relationship and promised him that I would not repeat this and officially asked him if he would like to have a relationship with me. He responded by saying yes but also included that the future is extremely uncertain and he doesn’t want to hurt me hence I should be aware that things are uncertain as we might not be in the city for a long time. He said for the most part it would long distance and virtual for the most part. I said okay at the time and we decided to each day at a time. Again I don’t know what got into me but after 2-3 days, I again stopped texting him thinking that the conversation always gets to sexting which I don’t enjoy that much. Three weeks had passed and I hadn’t texted him because of the reason mentioned above and due to some family issues as well.

I was planning to cut it off with him this weekend because I felt the distance would be an issue and I don’t know if things would substantiate into anything serious in the future. I feared that getting myself involved too much with no certain future would hurt me way too much. Anyway, yesterday morning he texted me saying that promising words and taking actions are two very different things and that I have not been communicating with him for 3 weeks. Some discussion happened back and forth. Later at night, we spoke on the phone where I told him that I was having problems with my family and I was not that okay with sexting and I was second-guessing our relationship too. He responded saying that how can you just disappear for two weeks without a text leaving me blank. He went on to say that if you had problems and issues you could have talked/texted me and I might have not been able to fly down to be with you but I could have supported you. All he kept saying that you have to communicate to which I said that I was not in the mental space and my surroundings at the time didn’t really allow that. He cut the call saying that I don’t know what to tell you and I am not going to justify anything and he put the phone down. After the call, he texted that if you think I am guy who is always talking about sex and that’s really good to know and I don’t know what to tell you( he was really pissed). Now I might have made a hasty decision and I texted him that I am not the kind of person who will share my problems with everyone and if there is something to share I would like I have in the past with him. And then I went on the tell him that I not in the mental space for a relationship/committed relation and I hope he respects my decision to which he responded with a thumbs up. This was last night and there has been no communication since.

Now I have been feeling extremely guilty about all of this. I like him and have a soft spot for him. Maybe he wants someone who is always connected with him but too much of it makes me feel I am getting too close to him. Not really important things like the fact that he is an inch taller than me and that he is from a different state make me unsure concerning what will my parents think and hence I should just stick to the arranged marriage route as a safe option. Keeping him at a distance is frustrating for him, I understand the frustration as I was at the same place in my last realtionship. A part of me wants to justify my actions to him and the other part is like let him go. Another fact is that arranged marriages are not something I like but I might be okay with the option to please my parents and not upset them. I am not able to figure out if I want a relationship with him or should I just let him go.

He is a great guy and I feel so bad for whatever I have put him through. Yesterday he said I was seeing for how long you won’t text and that he was sure he if hadn’t texted me I wouldn’t text him from my side. He has been constantly supporting and has listened patiently to all my problems and I might have just stopped caring about his feeling and not respecting him enough. Whatever he said is 100% true and the reasons I told him for me not contacting him are really excuses and he is aware of that too. So I am not sure about my feelings for him and I don’t know if want to continue the relationship with him and the roadblock is the arrange marriage matches which might take 6 months to a year to get started. I do like him quite a lot but I don’t know what I want at the moment and feel really bad for treating him like shit. I thought why would a bumble thing last for a year but I guess he is really serious about this and my past situationship made it difficult for me to accept that guys get emotionally affected because of my idea they don’t care much but this guy does.

Thank you for reading this long passage. Any help/suggestions would be truly appreciated.