I am not feeling well. I feel numb, paralyzed. I don’t find pleasure in the things I do anymore. It is frustrating living with this undiagnosed illness that takes control of me all day and all night. My head is overflowing with these intrusive thoughts to the point where my brain is asphyxiating and drowning in it and keeping me up at night. Insomnia that comes with it stresses me more further and augmenting my anxiety. “If you don’t go to sleep now you will be late for school”, “You’re forcing friendships with people who don’t want you”, “You’re pathetic, pitiful”, “You’re useless”, “No one wants you”, “Might as well die”. They keep coming and coming and coming and I am suffocating in it, I weep at night, I couldn’t breathe, my heart hurts, my stomach hurts, my back hurts, my head hurts, my throat is stuck like there is a lump that’s hindering my cry for help. I have no energy, I could get out of bed, I didn’t care anymore. I saw my phone ring, right in front of me, I see my friend’s name on the screen. I didn’t pick up.
I got up eventually, not entirely but I am getting there. I started being honest about my feelings with my loved ones but most importantly with myself. I started looking for help, I’m still looking but I won’t give up because it’s tiring being like this for more than four years and it’s making the people around me and my loved one miserable. I don’t want that. I don’t know what the future holds but I know I will have one, filled with love, excitement and happiness.