I am not asking for a friend, just venting.
I am 23 but I realised I never had any friend in my life, I just had some people to talk to, be it school or college. Coz of my insecurities, and having a typical father, short tempored and manipulative one I got wrong lessons from him. Though he loves me but still my young yrs got wasted. I never enjoyed my life. And now I am facing many mental health issues. Can't even face the world outside. Everything is fuxked up, Career, social life and personal life. I am exhausted of handling my own mess now. Idk what I am doing with my life. Just waiting for an end to come to get my peace and end this pain and suffocation. 

Hmm well everything in the world needs a closure before starting a new journey afresh you will have to address accept and clean your old mess first after that you will have a fresh new slate with past experience of fuckups to start over again and this time your experiences will help in not repeating the same mistakes again. Well I just want you to know that I do care about you and I wanna see you lead a happy and success life. Take care

Life

How would you end it, meaning yourself?

3am Thoughts

I wanna disappear and think. 

Anxiety

At this point , Taylor Swift 's songs are narrating my entire life 
Unhealthy af

There's a horrible feeling in my chest whenever something goes wrong. I always used to keep it in, not telling anyone because I hate showing anyone I'm vulnerable. My mom is supportive but I hate that she has to be strong even if it might devastate her. I feel almost always on edge, stressed, anxious, angry at myself for not being good enough. I always question if I deserve anything or anyone's support. I always compare myself to others, hating on myself. I cry it out and it gets better for a while, but that feeling never goes away. I think I need help, but don't know whats wrong with me. 

I don't know if this will help with what I've been feeling lately, but at this point writing as a stranger on the Internet is better than continuously crying myself to sleep at night and then waking up the next morning like I didn't just look like a crazy woman the night before. I apologize for probably giving out my whole life story, I know nobody asked, but buckle up my dudes, cause it's going to be quite a ride here. 

I can't quite remember how it all started, but I guess I could start with the way that I'm feeling today. (Like every other day, except this time I can't hide it as well) So I, like any other (almost) 20 year old adults, have a job. I dislike my job very much and the only thing I look forward to is leaving. Except I come home and get a good 4-5 hours of "me" time before my head hits the pillow again and I'm back to square one. Thing is though, the work I do is uhm tolerable and it's okay, not the best, but it's okay. I don't like the people I work with and the environment is definitely the kind of environment where I feel like I'm learning accurately. I've come pretty far for a temp these last 4 months, but I honestly probably let my anxiety win in this situation AGAIN. 

At this job I feel very overwhelmed and stressed and when I get the weekends off for "me" time, it doesn't even feel like "me" time, It feels more like a clock that's counting down every hour, minute, and second until I have to be back at work. I do try to spend time with family and at this point what has become my so-called friend group. I feel like I have to force myself to do things sometimes because of the lack of energy and motivation to do things. Do I feel like it's depression? No, I don't. Although, I do just feel like a jerk. I feel like I can't really talk to anyone about how I've been feeling at this job, so therefore I have resulted in crying, sleeping and going back to square one...after (or before) work that is. Back to the main point anyway, I feel like I let my anxiety, my doubts, and my fears win again because I put my two weeks notice in today. I felt horrible, but at the same time I felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. 

I'm probably not the only, but it feels like it sometimes you know? I feel alone, I feel lost, I feel like I don't know who I am or what I want to do with my life. I don't know what I'm doing dudes. I had someone ask me what I love to do or uhm what my specialty was and I stood there speechless because I had absolutely no idea what to tell them. I looked like an idiot yes, but I was like shook to my core. I couldn't even answer a simple question. I'm almost 20 and I've dropped college twice already. Had two (about to be three) jobs in my entire life and now I'm stuck. Like I thought I knew what I wanted to do, I thought I knew what I loved and where I wanted to be and where I wanted to go. Yet here I am. I feel stupid the more I type this out honestly.

I actually went to the doctor (bad idea) because of anxiety. PS - it's never been this bad and my Momma was getting worried so to calm her nerves I went to the appointment. Anywho, I got told I should go see my counselor again. She was a very good counselor and I haven't gone back. It's been a good I wanna say 4-5 days since my doctor told me that. I feel like the things I find as struggles are just minor bumps in other people's lives. Like don't get me wrong I am (or was) going to work every day for months pretending that I was okay and faking it "till I made it" and I tried having a different mindset or uhm positive thoughts. It doesn't work for long though, or at least for me it doesn't. I'm trying though. I always have been now that I think about it. That doesn't make me feel better though, in fact my brain just thinks "Why couldn't you try a little bit harder?" Now I know, I know people tell me all the time that I'm young and that I have all the time in the world and that I'm this great person and all. I feel the complete opposite though. I look at myself and I feel like an absolute failure. Nothing but a disappointment. I look at myself in the mirror and all I see is everything I promised myself I wouldn't become. I feel like a fake. An imposter if you will. 

I'm tired of feeling like this and I know I have to do something about it. With what motivation and with what courage? I feel like I'm at a loss of everything dudes. I'm tired and not in the way where you can take a nap and maybe just maybe the tiredness will go away. No. I'm tired in the way where I feel like I can't go on anymore. I'm just tired...


Thanks for coming to my "TED" talk today
If you read this far, I love you and I hope you're doing well. 
    - BM<3 :)

I really just want to leave this world😔
I am not meant to be here. In the world of billions of humans, I am alone, not even me with me. 😭 Just give me my release.

How to know that you are very sensitive 

Life can be really tough sometimes, and it's okay to feel overwhelmed. 
Speaking to a professional can be like having a caring friend who truly listens and helps you make sense of your feelings. They're there to support you, just like a steady anchor during a storm. It's a brave step to reach out, and it can lead to brighter days ahead. You don't have to go through this journey alone; there are people who want to help you find your way to emotional well-being.

Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts