i am like so close to relapsing and don’t even tell me everything’s gonna be okay because it isn’t. 

i ve relapsed three hours ago it's not worth it just making everything worse

Self Harm

I like creating situations which may hurt me I have amazing family and friends who love me but still I am just empty inside the truth is I am a bad person and i deserve this i deserve to get hurt i deserve to not be loved and i deserve to get punished for it because I am a person who always made bad decisions, I am a bad person.......

3am Thoughts

My headaches are getting bad day by day. I getting more sleepless. Early I can sleep for 3-4 hrs now 2 hrs maximum. 
Most of the time I feel like my head is much heavy or fee the pressure that I could start bleeding from my nose. 
It is so bad that I so want to bang my head on the table. 
I don’t know I feel like I am freaking helpless. Tried taking professional help many times but of no use. I am not able to open up or don’t know what to say. Don’t even have any idea what is wrong with me. Why I am like this. 

Depression

People gets offended when we speaks truth 

Compassion

Shivering while typing this. This incident happened to me (I am male) and my cousin (female) quite back in our childhood, happened multiple times and have never spoke about it untill now. And, yeah, we both were sexually assaulted by our elder brother, in different occasions, while we were in asleep. That bastard thought that doing things etc to us he would not know, but yes it happened to me multipletimes, and my cousin too which is even more traumatic to her. i have realised in the recent past that what happened to me was wrog and i was denying and did not care about this, and recently two days ago my cousin confessed about it and i went numb. i just dont know what else to say, it is disgusting that that person is leading a happy and dignified life and we are suffering here, and this happened in family, now i see a root cause to all our mental problems, i just dk im so sorry if anyone has become uncomfy just wanted to let it out. thank you for ur love and support.

Harassment

*sigh* my life's a mess. 
im a junior in hs now, and I completed my entire sophomore year online, barely steeping foot into school once or twice the entire year. One year of staying at home has made a shitshow out of me, like seriously, sometimes i cant help but wonder what if the pandemic never happened? Would I be better? I'd have the sophomore ay of my life. It was going to be a fresh start, filled with exciting opportunities and lots of school activities I looked forward to. My whole life, I've only ever attended f2f classes so the entire online school thing was pretty new to me, and honestly many. Transitioning was quite a big deal, but I got used to it.
The thing is, before the pandemic locked us away in our homes, school was like my safe space, the only place where i could be **me** and i had a nice social life, made a lot of friends and not to brag or anything i was moderately popular amongst my peers, I also actively participated a lot of school stuff and won prizes, got good grades, I was basically like a perfect version of me, freshman year. I was so happy.. too happy, I never imagined it would be surreal dream. 

(I even helped and talked one of my now best friends out of doing something fatal)
sophomore year rolled in and i just.. i dont know, stopped. Its like the pandemic broke away pieces of this mask I wore, revealing suppressed emotions and thoughts. Initially i was excited about online schooling, but that slowly died away. I stopped talking in class, responded only when I absolutely needed to, withdrew from all my friends, barely shooting them a text or two stating "I'm fine, how are you?" 

In reality, I wasn't. At all. My grades started slipping fast, and i stressed my arm writing too much to the point that i walked around the house in a hand sling for three months. I felt and still feel so lonely, like there's nothing else to do, there's nothing to live for anyway. This went on, the symptoms of severe clinical depression increasing rapidly. I bunked classes and got distracted trying to find myself again, doing anything to feel something. That included watching multiple tv shows and unhealthily obsessing over fictional characters in maladaptive daydreams to this day.
The dark times of my sophomore year merged into the fresh beginnings of junior year, also going on, online. I developed anxiety, loads of insecurities and social anxiety as well, heh you know what they say. buy one mental health condition, get seven free? yeah, that happened to me.  in midst of this chaos, i also found out something else about myself, my identity-I'm bi-- and that was a whole another tornado of feelings and stress and insecurities. Many many months later, I've finally accepted myself but i cant exactly tell anyone cause my entire family is homophobic and are merely disgusted by the existence of the community. i however, came out to a few of my friends in may, and there were some mixed responses, but mostly good ones. remember the friend i helped overcome suicidal thoughts earlier? shes my best friend and prob my only irl friend who also knows im bi. she doesnt know im depressed tho. :') 
anyway, back to me turning emo. 
i went back to social media to connect with my friends but it became toxic, consuming all my time and attention, making me lose focus on my academics. I made a few friends online who kept me company but it was too distracting. I deactivated my twitter, left tumblr and instagram.. it still didn't help. I haven't been able to focus in a single online class for more than five minutes, I just login and let the class run in the background while i do my own thing, which is bad because like i said, my grades have slipped too much to the point im almost failing three subjects out of five, i always lack motivation to study and i have a huge backlog of school work weighing in the back of my head. I try doing my homework after im done with school, but i fall asleep somewhere in between (yet another glorious symptom of my untreated depression), scribbling untidily over my notes. I don't take notes in online class either, since i practically skip class to write fanfiction online, my spotify playlist playing in the background. wow. 
im always tired and exhausted, even after a good nights rest, i never ever have the motivation to do anything-- especially study, which doesnt make sense, cause i used to love to study, i was even the third topper of my class for a whole year but now, i feel so dumb cause i dont know anything at all. I keep procastinating my work and it piles up in the last moment, stressing me out even more. now the only things i know by heart are mgk's lyrics. as dumb as it sounds, its true. hes helped me out a little bit, his music resonates with something in me, but i still havent gotten out of my funk. 
to top it all up, shit goes down in my house, im left reeling emotional trauma after trauma.
See, i told you my life is a mess. im just barely hanging on, i do my best to keep away *negative thoughts* but i can only do so much before a random emotional outburst.  
*sigh* i really dont know what to do, and im looking for some practical advice. ive tried the illogical shit all over the media but nothing had helped so far. 
help a fellow teen out?

Beautiful mind:
The idea's kept secret,
Ideas that are born in my mind and heart are always miracles to me because I value myself as being the best version of myself.
Own happiness and the creation of adventures are more important in life.
like I did:
Talking to people like they are my own.
Talking and making them good friends is a good specialty when you cultivate a positive approach to creating a beautiful environment in your surroundings.
The emotional touches are not important, rather than creating an impact on the positive mind.

My friends are immediately looking for work and are enthusiastic, why can't I? Why am I not ready? I'm scared? Am I not focused? Is something bothering me? For example my bf?

Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts