Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

I am filled with regret. Something that I never wanted to but I thought why not acknowledge it instead of fighting that feeling. I forced myself into this thought that I should never regret anything I do. So I just kept ignoring it by telling that I did it because I wanted to but no I regret it. I was a kid very good at academic and sports but always kept to myself. I grew up with practically no friends right from my schooling till the completion of my college. I would wipe my own tears, celebrate my own success and no friend would be there. I have stood alone everywhere. I’ve got beaten up, got into fights, and everywhere it was just me alone against 10 people minimum and I’d get beaten up pretty bad. I got into 2 relationships during my college life and I thought I had somebody, but those relationships made me feel more lonelier than before. I was abused, cheated on, lied to, manipulated, laughed at, in those 2 relationships. After my last relationship ended, I thought if that bad is how a relationship will be I never want another one. So by the time I was 18 I’d had no good friends or relationships or no bond whatsoever worth remembering and I gave up on the idea that I could ever have a bond. I gradually started hating myself. I cut myself because of how bad of a human being I was. I don’t know if I were a bad human being or circumstances made me feel that way. Hurting myself felt so good. Hitting myself, cutting myself, it all felt like I deserved it. I remember standing in a place where I always wanted to be and I’d worked so hard to be there and I was just standing there thinking I’m not worthy of being here. After I turned 18 I turned to alcohol and dependency on other substances and those were the only bonds I’ve had till date. I used to drink almost everyday, get high almost everyday, I look at this world and see nothing worth liking, I see this place and often wonder why I exist, people always say there’s not gonna b anybody around for anything and I know that but sometimes I just wish I could just run to somebody and just melt. I want the numb inside me gone. I’m not depressed, I don’t wanna kill myself, I just don’t wanna destroy myself anymore. I just wish for once someone, somewhere in the past had just pat me on my back and asked me how I was and had told ke that it’s gonna be okay.