I am feeling very low. I was a very well performing student during my college and degree course, I even was a rank holder, was very outspoken, active in all academic and non academic functions. I decided to go for UPSC CSE preparation, and since then, I have been at the lowest of all times in my life. I hardly got a chance to carry forward my hobbies, or practice what I am interested in, I am a master of Arts in English literature. Life has always been very layered for students of literature as we get different perspectives to look at life and the world. Some people believe that Humanities is not useful but I always felt sciences and humanities complement each other and he world needs both of them in equal part. I had joined UPSC preparation because I was fascinated by the syllabus and the opportunity it provides to understand our social, political, cultural setting, seriously, I was never going to read the constitution of India if it wasn’t for this exam. I am happy that I learnt so much, but at the same time, I feel like a machine, I derive no enjoyment from what I am doing. Even though English Literature was difficult sometimes, I never was depressed, But here I feel depressed. I go through anxiety loops, lose my calmness a lot of time, I also get very violently suicidal and sad for no particular reason. Now that I have started preparing, my family’s expectations are at an all time high, the start motivating me if I talk of leaving the preparation, and it does not help me in any way. I was 23 when I started preparing, I failed the CSE exam once, not sitting at home, doing nothing apart from reading the same books like a machine, I grew 25. Those who were my juniors in college have joined PhD, or getting jobs, above all, they are pursuing their passion, or maybe they could identify what they want and what would suit them unlike me. I feel like I am living behind the world, I have no motivation to live, my family’s and friend’s love has kept me going but I DON’T HAVE Any will to live anymore, I just feel like if I could die suddenly, I will be fine.
The only good thing that has happened with me is that I met someone special during this and fell in love, but I don’t know how will I be able to carry forward this since the other things in my life , like the ones i Mentioned above are so distressing. Recently I came across hate comments, slut shaming and character assassination from some old acquaintances, this has added to my mental health issues. The base for all their comments was only that 7 years ago I entered into relationship 3ice but none of them worked for me, I felt uncomfortable , used and controlled and I didn’t love them for that, so I walked out, I don’t know where I was wrong.
I have no clue what to do, I just spend my days scrolling through social media or just beating around the bush and nights with wide open eyes, unable to sleep, or cry uncontrollably for no apparent reason.
I am feeling better I wrote my heart out, if you are reading this, thanks for listening to me.
Please take some break or dont do home study and go to hostel or pg where graduate students like us are preparing for competitive exams. Dont compare yourself with others. Kuch log to upsc ka naam sunkar b ghbra jate he tum to fir b jang ke maidan me kude ho.
Thank you friend. acha laga aapka response dekh ke. Lockdown ke wajahse bahar jana mushkil tha, abhi sab khulne laga hai toh hostel ya pg me jana sahi hoga. Thank you for your suggestion
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Anonymous
12h ago • edited
I am feeling very low. I was a very well performing student during my college and degree course, I even was a rank holder, was very outspoken, active in all academic and non academic functions. I decided to go for UPSC CSE preparation, and since then, I have been at the lowest of all times in my life. I hardly got a chance to carry forward my hobbies, or practice what I am interested in, I am a master of Arts in English literature. Life has always been very layered for students of literature as we get different perspectives to look at life and the world. Some people believe that Humanities is not useful but I always felt sciences and humanities complement each other and he world needs both of them in equal part. I had joined UPSC preparation because I was fascinated by the syllabus and the opportunity it provides to understand our social, political, cultural setting, seriously, I was never going to read the constitution of India if it wasn’t for this exam. I am happy that I learnt so much, but at the same time, I feel like a machine, I derive no enjoyment from what I am doing. Even though English Literature was difficult sometimes, I never was depressed, But here I feel depressed. I go through anxiety loops, lose my calmness a lot of time, I also get very violently suicidal and sad for no particular reason. Now that I have started preparing, my family’s expectations are at an all time high, the start motivating me if I talk of leaving the preparation, and it does not help me in any way. I was 23 when I started preparing, I failed the CSE exam once, not sitting at home, doing nothing apart from reading the same books like a machine, I grew 25. Those who were my juniors in college have joined PhD, or getting jobs, above all, they are pursuing their passion, or maybe they could identify what they want and what would suit them unlike me. I feel like I am living behind the world, I have no motivation to live, my family’s and friend’s love has kept me going but I DON’T HAVE Any will to live anymore, I just feel like if I could die suddenly, I will be fine.
The only good thing that has happened with me is that I met someone special during this and fell in love, but I don’t know how will I be able to carry forward this since the other things in my life , like the ones i Mentioned above are so distressing. Recently I came across hate comments, slut shaming and character assassination from some old acquaintances, this has added to my mental health issues. The base for all their comments was only that 7 years ago I entered into relationship 3ice but none of them worked for me, I felt uncomfortable , used and controlled and I didn’t love them for that, so I walked out, I don’t know where I was wrong.
I have no clue what to do, I just spend my days scrolling through social media or just beating around the bush and nights with wide open eyes, unable to sleep, or cry uncontrollably for no apparent reason.
I am feeling better I wrote my heart out, if you are reading this, thanks for listening to me.
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Anonymous
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8h ago
Please take some break or dont do home study and go to hostel or pg where graduate students like us are preparing for competitive exams. Dont compare yourself with others. Kuch log to upsc ka naam sunkar b ghbra jate he tum to fir b jang ke maidan me kude ho.
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Anonymous
•
2h ago
Thank you friend. acha laga aapka response dekh ke. Lockdown ke wajahse bahar jana mushkil tha, abhi sab khulne laga hai toh hostel ya pg me jana sahi hoga. Thank you for your suggestion
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@meinlife
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in seconds
Its okey even I was facing same situation even more worst. Not any family support for carreer, pressure for marriage,relationship problem became demotivated for everything, then maine b hostel lene ka decide kiya agar essa lag rha ho ki fas gae he life me to apne charo taraf ka pura mahol badlna better option h fase rahkar dimag khrab karne se
