Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

I am confusing. My willingness doesn’t align to the words I say and I’m aware of that. It’s too early to tell. It’s too early to be sure. What if this is a false hope? He’s just the way I wanted. He’s too good to be true. If I acknowledge the fact that I like him, there’s no turning back. But what if I messed this up again? I swear I’ll never ask what ifs again but I’m here asking it multiple times a day. We’re okay. We’re so good with each other. We understand each other. We talk almost about everything under the sun. He is consistent. He knows what he wants. He gives me assurance. He gives me hope. But what if the external factors started to come in? First of all, we’re on the same team. It’s not really ‘forbidden’ but it’s considered as conflict of interest especially that I’m one-level higher than him. Second is, it’s only almost two months after they break up. I thought of this as a harmless friendship and dare because I really have no intentions and now all I want is to be considerate on the other party. But I’m only causing confusion because I wouldn’t accept the fact that I am doing this because I’m into him. I’m giving him a hard time and it’s not like I’m testing him, bc I’m not, but there’s no sign of him giving up or walking away. I’m a difficult person because unlike him, I can’t see the difference between what I want and my just-go-with-the-flow personality. I’m so comfortable with him I don’t think of even saying ‘no’. Yet what I’m really afraid of is leaving. Him getting tired of my nonsense and me walking away because of disappointment. Being alone is okay. But being alone after being with someone is a whole different level. The barriers I’ve set only hurt him as the days go by. I know we’re taking it step by step and he’s not rushing me, no one is. It’s hard for me and he knows that but I have to be real on myself and stand up for what I show and feel. I’m trying to open up, to accept the fact and I hope that when the time comes that I can fully embrace his offer, I hope that I’m not late, at least not too late.