Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

I am a complete mess. I am still in love with my ex boyfriend to an extent that I can do anything so that he would just talk to me or I could at least see him. We were in the same college and we dated for like more than a year and then he decided that he didn’t want the relationship anymore. Then I decided not to talk to him ever again but a few days later he texted me to check on me, and I just poured out my heart in front of him. He obviously didn’t care. He moved on even before our relationship ended. I got so desperate to see him and talk to him that I would just search for excuses to meet him and would go every where he could possibly be. One day while talking to him he just asked if we could have sex and I agreed because that is the only way he would meet me. So even after we broke up we would still meet up sometimes and have sex. Then our college ended and he went back to his place and I came back to mine. I still sometimes texted him because I wanted to talk to him, sometimes he would reply, sometimes he wouldn’t. There were days when he would text me first but that was just when he needed my pictures and wanted to talk dirty. I was still fine with it because he at least texted. A few days ago we planned to meet up at the college to complete some formalities. We stayed in the same room. But he was still always busy, on his phone, calling up his friends and chatting with them and other times just meeting up other friends. I didn’t mind it but he was never free for me, even though we stayed in the same room he would just talk to me or come close when he wanted sex and the other times he would just use his phone and earphones. I tried really hard to get his attention but somehow always failed. He has a lot of girls in his life and I am jealous because I couldn’t even think of replacing him. I would still be okay with the fact that he has other girls in his life but he treats everyone else so much better than he treats me. He tells me that I am ugly and he makes me feel bad about myself. He even told me a few times quite clearly that the only importance I have in his life is because of the sex and that the day he gets someone else he wouldn’t give a fuck about me. But still again I am madly in love with him, still desperate to just talk to him. He did make me feel bad about myself but he also did so many things to make me feel good. It’s been more than a year since we broke up and I saw him yesterday, for the last time because I am sure he will find my replacement. But I can’t stop thinking about him or stop loving him. I am so ruined.