Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

I am 19 and my family wont let go of me.

I struggle so much with depression and … ideation. Especially during the pandemic since just when i was starting to be okay with myself, everything changed. There was so much change. Therapy is too expensive for me so i cant do it consistently. Recently ive tried to be brave and go back to school after a 2 year break. Ive been trying to go back to art too. Ive been focusing on taking care of myself but recently ive been realizing all this is futile if i have no hold of my own life. I knew something is seriously wrong with me and how i view myself bc when i finally made some art after such a long time, i liked it a lot, then when i tried to make another thing literally right after, i couldnt bring myself to finish it. Its literally a sketch right next to a finished pieced. My hand was shaking and there was a voice at the back of my head telling me i am not an artist, i cant draw, im not a real creator, even if i made a really good piece literally just minutes ago. It was right in front of me. Ive been creating even during my whole hiatus yet i still view myself like this. I knew i needed change. Change of pace, change of environment. But i cant have that without my family’s approval, without independence.

Ive been trying to gradually ease their minds into the idea of letting me commute, at least teaching me how to so that i hhav more options than theyre giving me. But they cant let me go, especially my dad. I think hes struggling with this a lot. But its killing me so much, i cant do anything. I am so stuck. They arent prioritizing this because they dont take it seriously enough. I feel llik i am only living for them at this point. Ive tried everything i could do for myself within the house, but i need change and ive needed this for a while now. What should i do?