How to learn to love myself. I love my son. I love my family. I love my boyfriend. I love my dog. But loving me is hard. Many times during the day I catch myself saying “I want to die.”
Idk why it’s not everyday though just some days. I quickly try to change the narrative in my head though because I’m pregnant and I don’t want to leave my son or hurt him. He need my body to survive and Ik I can be a good mom. Every little fight can push me to the edge of not wanting to live. I’ve always been a people pleaser. But I don’t really have many people in my life other than my boyfriend right now. I go days without talking to anyone. My life usually consist of nothing and no one. Ik not living in this world doesn’t scare me. It just scares me thinking of leaving my son. Idk how to make friends. It’s like I’m not sad in my life or not all the time but I’m also not happy I’m just living. Most people take advantage of me. If I wasn’t here Ik it wouldn’t really effect many people. I’m just writing this to get this off my chest. I would never tell anyone in my life this cuz honestly I don’t want pity idk what I want tbh. I thought getting pregnant would make me happy finally have my person to love and a person who loves me. But now even if I wanted to kill myself I couldn’t because my boy needs me. So I’m just stuck. Stuck in a world I don’t want to be in but don’t want to leave my baby alone in and I want him to grow. I wish I could be happy and not weak minded. I wish I could have friends and be prettier. I wish a lot of stuff. I’m depressed and have an anxiety problem. I’m weak minded but not weak I’m strong person idk what’s wrong with me.
I know it’s all a lot overwhelming right now but once you see your son you’ll somehow gather the strength to fight your life threatening thoughts and it will take time but you’ll figure your way out in life just have a little hope for your son and it’ll be good after that.
