Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

How I feel right now. I feel lost, broken, mad, sad. I’m trapped in my head asking questions that will never be answered. Like why did I have to go though what I did as a Kid? Why have I always been made to feel disposable? The mental and physical abuse I went through as a child was pure torture. When I turned 20 I packed my car and moved three hours away to start a new life with the man I’m in love with. What everyone seen was this beautiful painting I painted of my life for them to see. But what they didn’t see was that I was slowly decaying on the inside. I was once again reminded that I was nothing more then a peace of garbage. That I was just a disposable person. I was never Capable of receiving love. I have always been told I’m handsome. I modeled, played in a television show , even danced in a music video, (Nothing big) even bought a gorgeous house with the person I love. So why do I keep feeling like I want to die. Why does thinking about driving my car into a tree at full speed feel comfortable? Or getting a rope and jumping off a chair? I have always been thankful for the blessings I have been given in life. I already try and remember someone has it worse. But if I know this then why do I still want to die? I’m constantly asking why have I been Dealt these cards in life? I just want to say it’s not fair that I have already went through so much as a kid and tried my hardest to be a good person and find who I am and to think I’m with the person I love but he makes me feel like I’m just as disposable as my family did. The constant reminder of what a fuck up I am or how everything is my fault. Now to add to it all after 10 years of a relationship the physical abuse begins. Iv been a punching bag my whole life now why do I still have to live this way in my adulthood? I know i don’t have to live this way. But why do I love someone so much but they make me feel worthless every day? I have no where to go, I’m stuck , I’m scared. I’m alone. I’m so numb to the mental and physical abuse it’s actually scary how my smile is just a light switch away. I never thought I could hate myself because iv always felt like I’m a good person I care I have feelings I’m sympathetic I try to help anyone I can. But now unfortunately I hate everything about myself I hate what I went through as a child, I hate what happen to me. I hate who I have become. I hate that I still have to be faced with similar abuse iv already been tough. I hate my dyslexia , my ADHD. I guess I feel like throwing the towel in. It’s looking more and more comfortable at this point. Being trapped in your own head is the scariest place I have been to. Thank you for reading