Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

Honestly I don’t know what to do with my life I’m 14 I make up fake scenario in my head for no reason just to get some feeling out of it when I was younger my parent hitted me and when I would cry they would say to stop crying or some other sh*t when my younger or older sibling get hit I would get on top of them to defend them but they never did that for as I grow up at school Avent other parent will always be there for there kid but mine was never there it was just me I’m not a favorite either my younger brother is because he is a boy when I was younger I was sa by some boys in my class but when my mom found she was mad at me instead of them when I was in 2-3 grade I was sa by older guys one in his 20s now with kids one in his 50s I didn’t tell my parent because I was afraid of what she might do I was compared alot growing up and I hated it I have a scholarships for a school already but I don’t know where I’m going g to go or do I feel nothing I don’t even know my feelings I don’t even know how to tell my feelings I’m also over wight 190 bout prob 200 something pounds now when I was younger I was hungry I ask her for food and she said no I keep asking and she got mad and tried to make me eat a full rice pot 7 if I was going to throw up she would hit me now when I don’t finish my food I’m scared I’m obese every time I try to get on a diet I stop it get worse instead something that
Is stuck in my mind is that I want someone to say they’re proud of me growing up I hear parent say this tho there kid but never me I see parent hugging there kids but never me I want someone to say that to me so bad that I start talking to pedo just so they can say that to me I also don’t know how to hygiene I was never taught I have those brown things on my inner thigh now I don’t know what to do with my life I feel like I’m going nowhere it hurt but at the same time I don’t know anything