Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

Hi everyone today am confessing my entire life and how I fucked my life. I was always a smart girl obident towards work and anything I have been assigned. Close with my grandpa more then my parents. My dad hardly love me. I remember I was bullied in school since I was dumb all the other use to make fun of me. I was weak in studies still I work hard I couldn’t able to do math it was my weakest point. My best friend was she was hot and all the boys use to love her but I on the other hand dumb ugly looking I hardly had any relationship. But when I reached class 8 I found a guy my brother friend he was way older then me but I stupid got into a relationship or whatever. I was so and stuped i had no idea what it was and I did everything he wanted to do saying it’s all love. I broke up after years. After I finished school I went college and I drop out because i failed. My family always thought am smart and all but I knew am not and I always tried to show people am smart pretended to be smart. And I stayed at home for years and finally I joined ICA a course which give an opportunity to study and get a job. But before I finished lockdown happen and I found a guy we talk and got into a relationship when I was already in a relationship. I cheated both by I acted rich and kind and all but I know am not I got into anxiety and panic attacks because I have lost my own identity I lied to people with my identity even my name my sir name and all to impress people. I have no confidence talking with people I fear to talk even if it’s on the phone I cant argue. I live silent even if I have to talk. I made a cocoon my like and a life I made by lying. I can’t recognize myself in a mirror anymore i feel different person because I lied and now my mind got fucked.
Please help I can’t stop thinking and this panic attacks I don’t know the reason either so I pour out my entire life figuring where I did wrong.