Hey I just feel like sharing my feelings.
Idk where to begin with. Let’s go back to school a boy who is fat, physically weak and also having a weird english accent. In middle school things went haywire a teacher started picking on me due to my weird English accent which made the odd one out everyone didn’t talk to me and started making fun. Just because of how I spoke didn’t have much friends. After that year our class had a odd no of people meaning 1 person would sit without a partner and without a group.
That one person was me I tried talking to my classmates they would just call me a “Extra” and leave me out. Worst part was group projects no one would pick me at all. Bad times l just felt lonely and sad.
After I confronted why am i being called these names they told me I was not good enough to be with them so they asked me pretend to change my behaviour into something they like.
I was young 14 and desperate to make friends so I did that I felt so uncomfortable during that time.
High School was fine still pretending not being my original people started talking to me and being friendly but I could still sense that dislike towards me though made a couple of friends like 3 people but these 3 people never picked me in their group or went out to have any fun also never once texted me unless related to some school shit. I finished school somehow than I did something fucked up I left all my school chat groups and deleted all my social media became a got damn ghost. Though few contacted me felt so fake still I talked to them and pretend everything is normal. I feel like a alien so dumb and abnormal physically also mentally comparing myself to these so called friends they all seem so perfect with their life,education,looks,family and health. It seems so nice Fucking peer pressure .
During this shit face I am depressed,lonely,anxiety,sad,insecure, lack of emotions, felt heavy,insomniac and i still do I got problems. Didn’t have anyone to talk to family is a no go. A troubled marriage of my parents also constant quarrelling between them caused a bad relationship between the childs and parents.They pretend to be divorced yet they still stay together causing zero happiness in the house.Tried a forming a bond with my parents and me but it always falls apart. Never felt comfortable sharing these information with them. They always have high expectations of me and I always dissapoint them.
So all those feelings are crippled inside me I always try to stay positive and keep myself motivated but bad luck follows every fucking place. Causing a turmoil.
Bad luck basically runs my life.
I feel so emotionally and mentally drained.
Sometimes I wish something nice to happen to me.
Sorry if i typed a lot needed to clear my mind and heart.